in case you didn’t already know …
- Do you ever dance in your bedroom when nobody is around, catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and think: Damn, I’ve got NO moves.
- Do you ever practice in the mirror the things you’d like to say when you run into your ex, even though you know you’ll still look and sound like a moron either way when it happens?
- Have you ever mis-dialed on a drunk-dial, to the tune of, ‘Hey, Dad, wassup. Yeah, I know it’s late …”
- Did I ever tell you about the time when, in a drunken attempt to hit on a hottie bartender, I asked him if he was ‘spoken for’? He raised one eyebrow, walked away, and avoided me for the rest of the night.
- Did I ever tell you about when, at a birthday party last month, someone told a joke and I blew my entire mouthful of beer in a direct stream nailing the center of my best friend’s shirt? All-too-used to such embarrassments, he said, ‘Don’t worry, act cool, nobody saw it.’
Look, I’m a total nerd, a big geek. I’m clueless, I’m socially klutzy, I stub words and toes all the time. In conversation, on the phone, I stutter and stumble and f everything up. I’m pretty sure that when I try to sound smart, people think, ‘Hm, 550 verbal?’ I’m pretty sure that when I try to be sexy, it’s just funny. I don’t even bother trying to act cool. When the check comes, people always make me figure out the math. Friends won’t play Scrabble with me because I always win. I have no poker face; I’m an easy read. I’m not hip. I hate fashion-victim clothes, I think hip-huggers should be avoided by most people, sweatpants outside the gym are gross, and t-shirts with logos on them a joke being played on the people who wear them. I don’t have a digital camera, I rarely watch TV, and I have been known to scan dictionaries for prolonged periods of time.
So why am I not kept hidden away under the stairs, shut away from the world, to spare us the mutual humiliation? I think I get away with it because I beat you all to the punch line. Everyone is afraid to say, ‘Deb, you know, you’re really pretty dopey sometimes.’ But, me? I brag about it - my lack of social graces, and my inability to do things with either style or finesse. Nobody knows better than me how utterly un-cool I actually am.
That said, I must be fooling someone pretty well, because I’ve got a date tonight with someone I think is pretty neat.
You sound like my kind of people!!
Good luck on your date Deb. Now that you've warned him how uncool you think you are you should be all set, nowhere to go but up!
By the way I think you are pretty cool.
Hey Darlin', just remember - we're all pink on the inside...
Good luck on your date! That was well written as always. Don't forget to spill a drink on him, sneeze without covering your mouth and maybe lean and fart in the middle of conversation.
I wouldn't sweat it. I've stuck my foot in my mouth so many times I have athlete's tongue. My boss has come to expect it and who am I to deny him such fun?