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in case you didn’t already know …
- Do you ever dance in your bedroom when nobody is around, catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and think: Damn, I’ve got NO moves.
- Do you ever practice in the mirror the things you’d like to say when you run into your ex, even though you know you’ll still look and sound like a moron either way when it happens?
- Have you ever mis-dialed on a drunk-dial, to the tune of, ‘Hey, Dad, wassup. Yeah, I know it’s late …”
- Did I ever tell you about the time when, in a drunken attempt to hit on a hottie bartender, I asked him if he was ‘spoken for’? He raised one eyebrow, walked away, and avoided me for the rest of the night.
- Did I ever tell you about when, at a birthday party last month, someone told a joke and I blew my entire mouthful of beer in a direct stream nailing the center of my best friend’s shirt? All-too-used to such embarrassments, he said, ‘Don’t worry, act cool, nobody saw it.’
Look, I’m a total nerd, a big geek. I’m clueless, I’m socially klutzy, I stub words and toes all the time. In conversation, on the phone, I stutter and stumble and f everything up. I’m pretty sure that when I try to sound smart, people think, ‘Hm, 550 verbal?’ I’m pretty sure that when I try to be sexy, it’s just funny. I don’t even bother trying to act cool. When the check comes, people always make me figure out the math. Friends won’t play Scrabble with me because I always win. I have no poker face; I’m an easy read. I’m not hip. I hate fashion-victim clothes, I think hip-huggers should be avoided by most people, sweatpants outside the gym are gross, and t-shirts with logos on them a joke being played on the people who wear them. I don’t have a digital camera, I rarely watch TV, and I have been known to scan dictionaries for prolonged periods of time.
So why am I not kept hidden away under the stairs, shut away from the world, to spare us the mutual humiliation? I think I get away with it because I beat you all to the punch line. Everyone is afraid to say, ‘Deb, you know, you’re really pretty dopey sometimes.’ But, me? I brag about it - my lack of social graces, and my inability to do things with either style or finesse. Nobody knows better than me how utterly un-cool I actually am.
That said, I must be fooling someone pretty well, because I’ve got a date tonight with someone I think is pretty neat.
comments (5)
You sound like my kind of people!!
1 | Mia | October 8, 2003 11:38 AM
Good luck on your date Deb. Now that you've warned him how uncool you think you are you should be all set, nowhere to go but up!
By the way I think you are pretty cool.
2 | Happygirl | October 8, 2003 05:59 PM
Hey Darlin', just remember - we're all pink on the inside...
3 | sean | October 8, 2003 07:30 PM
Good luck on your date! That was well written as always. Don't forget to spill a drink on him, sneeze without covering your mouth and maybe lean and fart in the middle of conversation.
4 | paul | October 8, 2003 08:54 PM
I wouldn't sweat it. I've stuck my foot in my mouth so many times I have athlete's tongue. My boss has come to expect it and who am I to deny him such fun?