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some other girl’s problem
Subtitled: Why I USED to be friends with a guy named Russ. (Flagrantly ripping off Alex.)
The biggest, most ridiculous, ten-block, six-subway-stop, two-blocks-back-to-the-apartment-long argument I ever had with my ex-boyfriend was over a guy named Russ.
We’d already been bickering over something inane on the way to an event that night. Once there, we split off, and I ran into Russ, one of my old friends from college. Still feeling spiteful towards my boyfriend, I introduced him to Russ as 'my friend', apparently breaking some cardinal rule of relationships.
Holy crap. I had no idea my ex could get so pissed off, as he really wasn’t the jealous type. ‘How could you do that?! You know he’d love an opportunity to go out with you! Now he thinks he has a chance!’ I was shocked, ‘What?! Where’d you get that from?’ But, he insisted.
Flash forward a year-and-a-half later, I’m walking down Broadway, a week after breaking up with my boyfriend, and I run smack into Russ. No matter what the movies tell you, this stuff doesn’t happen in New York. It especially doesn’t happen a second time, when I saw him in Penn Station one month later. The first time we’d exchanged numbers, but never talked. The second time, he called me and said it was too crazy that we’d bump into each other twice and we must get a drink.
So, Russ and I went out last month for a beer. He’s dating a girl in North Carolina, but expresses that the distance is difficult. I tell him the story of the huge, ridiculous, multi-neighborhood fight I got into with my ex-boyfriend over him all that time back. I commented that since I was newly single, and trying to get out more, it was so nice to reconnect with old friends.
We hadn’t hung out again until 10 PM this past Friday night, when Russ called to say that he’s just left a work event in my neighborhood, would I like to get a drink? In a short while we were at an Irish pub a block from my apartment, eating fries and drinking pints. (Ah, the good stuff…)
I showed him my new apartment when he walked me home, my judgment already a little impaired from the beers. While looking at the view, he makes his move. It’s 1 AM and I’m in a lip-lock with the boy my ex-boyfriend hated, the boy he warned me about, the boy I laughed and said he was being Mr. Crazy/Jealous about, the boy who clearly needs to end his current relationship but doesn’t seem to have the balls to do it.
I pull back and say, ‘I’m really not interested in being some other girl’s problem. You should go home.’
There are three things about this situation that bother me the most.
- He was essentially willing to throw away a nine-year friendship just to make his awkward, inappropriate move on me.
- He wasn’t even offering me something respectful – Ooh, can I really be your girl on the side? How rare that an opportunity like this arises! Lucky me!
- I could blog until next week if I listed the amount of guy friends this has happened with over the years.
So, I’m feeling all When Harry Met Sally this morning. I’m realizing: straight guys and girls never really have authentic friendships, do they? I encourage you to counter me on this, and tell me about your glorious platonic friendship-dom that I have been unable to achieve, but first be honest:
· Have you really never dated or tried dating each other?
· Would neither of you ever try to if the opportunity presented itself?
· Have you never drunkenly snogged or hooked up?
Now, you see what I mean?
comments (14)
Yes we do; can answer no to all three of your questions.
Russ sounds like a dope.
1 | Dan | October 14, 2003 10:01 AM
I have two close boy friends that I have never hooked up with. one of them ive been friends with since 5th grade, so i even managed to stay friends with him thru the raging hormone years.
i have tons of guy friends that are less close that nothings happened with.
maybe im uglier than you?
2 | chevy | October 14, 2003 10:30 AM
The majority of my relationships with women who are currently deemed just friends, are, and always will be platonic. So, yes, it's quite possible.
3 | kyle | October 14, 2003 10:42 AM
you're right. i have very casual guy friends (meaning we see each other only in large groups and seldom, at that, not meaning wears jeans and flip flops to work casual)with whom hooking up would just never happen. but any guy friend that i've gone to the trouble to hang out with one on one for any length of time has turned into an affair, fling, hookup, relationship. i'd like to prove when harry met sally wrong, but i just haven't yet. not for lack of trying!
4 | sassylittlepunkin | October 14, 2003 10:46 AM
I can honestly say that I've never done that, don't get me wrong, there was this one time..., oh, and that other time...
In fairness, women do the same thing, and, it's hard to resist a familiar relationship with someone, it takes a lot of willpower to refuse someone you've known for a long time, which reminds me, I'll write down my thoughts on first kisses ;)
5 | Kevin | October 14, 2003 10:51 AM
Ech. Been there, done that, always ended badly. I do have a couple of male friends that have never spilled over into anything sexual and now absolutely never will. But that doesn't mean there was a frisson or two from one or the other side at some point.
It's just the older you get, and the more of these horrible overspills you go through, the more you realise that however drunk you are, it's not worth the self-hatred and ebmarrassment that eventually follows.
6 | eurotrash | October 14, 2003 01:28 PM
God, I say *a couple*. That makes me sound like a slut. I would say the majority of my male friends NOW.
7 | eurotrash | October 14, 2003 01:29 PM
Russ is like the name Frank, Todd, Bill...names that sound like they should be shortened to "Dope" (^Dan^)
8 | btezrabtezra | October 14, 2003 02:18 PM
I can honestly say that my best girlfriend is absolutely cooler than hell and I would never, ever want anything to do with her, even though she is sexier than a leather corset. The truth is, and I'm sure this is why I cannot consider her as more than a friend, I am not at all attracted to her. I can be her friend forever because I'd never, ever wanted her in any way. Which is not to say I would turn down sex or any chance to see her naked, I'm still a man. But our relationsihp blossoms because there are absolutely no sparks at all between us.
And men are always nervous about those friends that their girlfriends have, that they claim are just friends. We men know it's a lie. I have stopped being friends with women because they've gotten boyfriends, and I don't want these guys to think I'm moving in on their love. Seriously. And if this girl who I think is my best girlfriend gets a boyfriend and he doesn't like me, we would probably stop being friends, too.
9 | paul | October 14, 2003 02:49 PM
Every one of us is a liar and a fool.
It's hard to be definitive about such issues because the person on the other side is seldom truthful about their feelings.
How do women know their male friendships are platonic?
They're either gay, don't find you attractive, don't want to get shot down, or if they're particularly good looking then it's so common for them to score some easy beaver they don't worry about actually taking the measure of a woman.
And this is all a good thing. I wouldn't want to be single and have platonic friends. If you're searching for someone special, why would you cut out your friends?
Recent reseach indicates that intimacy can be built. When you overcome your pride, it's not that hard to fall in love.
Anyone professing differently is hurting someone they are supposed to be platonically close to.
10 | TheYeti | October 14, 2003 05:24 PM
Never had a guy friend who either didn't hit on my or who I didn't secretly love with all my heart.
11 | Happygirl | October 14, 2003 05:26 PM
Why try to erect this barrier between friends and "snoggers"? Sure, it sounds like Russ needs some more guts to break up with his girlfriend; but he's not necessarily throwing away your friendship just because he tried to kiss you. Maybe he just felt very close to you at that moment -- or maybe it was the beer. Real Life is a little messy sometimes. We don't have to wear uniforms that say "yankees", "red sox", "platonic friends" "friends with benefits" or "Spouse", thankfully. Just live it.
12 | Matt | October 14, 2003 06:19 PM
i have platonic friends that are women. i have friends i've tried to ----. i have friends who have tried to ---- me. if they are friends they remain that way. if they're not you were never friends to begin with.
13 | hubs | October 15, 2003 01:37 PM
All due respect to Mr. Yeti and Paul, it's entirely possible to be platonic friends. Not with EVERYONE, of course; there are going to be degrees of attraction with some even if there aren't with others. Most of my close friends are women; I have only one male friend I consider particularly close.
I have several women friends about whom I can answer all three of your questions in the negative. I have one that I find attractive and might entertain the idea of dating if given the opportunity. I have one that I initially wanted to date but no longer do. I have one ex-friend that wanted to date me that resulted in a messy, very regrettable fling. And I have one very dear friend that I fell hard for when we first met, but she wasn't interested; she is the only one about whom I have truly ambiguous feelings.
Us guys can run the gamut. It all depends.