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self-deprecation

Since I started this site, I have received compliments and feedback beyond my wildest imagination. I find myself staring at the computer daily, saying: ‘You like me! You really like me!’

One of my biggest fears, however, is inconsistency. I’m terrified of being a different person online and off. I didn’t start this so I could have some artificial persona that had more fun and better sex than me. I have no interest in misleading you into thinking I am better or more interesting than I actually am.

That said, a couple of you have told me that you find my writing charming, no frills, very frank, and so refreshing, and while I am wholly flattered, I feel I must set you straight, and share with you some of my less-appealing traits.

Irrational
I am probably the least rational and most unrealistic person you will ever meet. I can be demanding, bratty, and self-serving. I often get away with it because 1/I have brown puppy-dog eyes and 2/I am making you laugh while I am being unreasonable. Some examples:

• I can be pretty manipulative. I told an irritating, flirtatious male nurse where I work to remove a spider I saw on the wall. He said, ‘Why should I? What’s in it for me?’ and I said, ‘Well, if you remove it, I won’t have to tell the next guy who comes in here to do it because you were too scared to.’
  
• I often expect people to like me even if I don’t like them. If I go out with a boy, and don’t have a fantastic time, I am still offended if he doesn’t want to go out with me again. Even if I’m not ready for a committed relationship, I remain offended that Scotch Boy didn’t want one. "You can’t break up with me! I’m breaking up with YOU!"
  
• If something doesn’t go the way I want, I tend to turn to the nearest male and say ‘FIX IT.’ I have said this on recent occasions
  
  • When the Yankees were losing the World Series.
    
  • When my drink has been empty.
    
  • When I was unable to cross to the East Side during the marathon Sunday, and said male was 10 miles away
    
  • When I stubbed my toe
    
  • The list keeps going, but I’ll stop here
  
  
• Alex told me that I was the worst kind of high-maintenance because I think I am low-maintenance. He is absolutely correct.

Bitchy
I’m not always the nicest person.

• If I’m at a bar, a girl has the top of her thong hanging out the back of her jeans in an obviously intentional manner, I will mock her, either in my head, or to whomever I am with. I will do the same with fashion victims, people wearing obviously uncomfortable clothing because they are expensive or hip.
  
• If a guy uses a god-awful pick-up line on me, I will roll my eyes. I can’t just smile and say thank you. I also rejected several boys during my online dating stint because their profiles were fraught with misspellings and descriptions of their home towns as ‘Manahatten’. Ugh.
  
• Little T and I often spell and grammar check our supervisors memos and send them back and forth to each other.
  
• I get seriously annoyed when I get big mammad on a set of stairs, or caught behind a metrotard. I might say something, and not always under my breath.

Warped
Little T always tells me how warped I am. And she’s right, really. I’m chagrinned by the oddest things.

• I love Tim Burton, I love John Waters; Heathers and True Romance are two of my favorite movies.
  
• I have a crush on a 98-year-old man. He has really big ears that stick out, soft eyes, always wears a Yankees cap, and a sweater with patches on the elbows, sewn on by his deceased wife, Gerta. He doesn’t always remember who I am.
  
• I often ask if my friends are up for some dirty Mexican food at some hole-in-the-wall refried bean joint, even though it always makes us sick.
  
• When a young man told me that I snored like a drunken sailor the night before, I was nearly beside myself with glee, 'That's sooo kick-ass, don't you think?!'

Vain
You can add wimpy to this list, too, because I’m probably going to take this down really soon.

comments (18)

1 | Devlyn | November 4, 2003 10:24 AM

2 | Alex | November 4, 2003 11:06 AM

3 | Court | November 4, 2003 12:32 PM

4 | Frankenstein | November 4, 2003 12:54 PM

5 | lux | November 4, 2003 01:15 PM

6 | scotty the body | November 4, 2003 02:11 PM

7 | hubs | November 4, 2003 02:16 PM

8 | hubs | November 4, 2003 02:17 PM

9 | scarlett | November 4, 2003 02:26 PM

10 | Dan | November 4, 2003 02:53 PM

11 | Howard | November 4, 2003 05:23 PM

12 | sf | November 4, 2003 06:22 PM

13 | cindi | November 4, 2003 07:16 PM

14 | Happygirl | November 4, 2003 07:56 PM

15 | Paul | November 4, 2003 11:06 PM

16 | Mark | November 5, 2003 07:44 AM

17 | hubs | November 5, 2003 01:03 PM

18 | Frankenstein | November 6, 2003 11:10 AM