the longest bad mood ever
I actually just had a debate with my boyfriend over the phone as to whether I am depressed or just that unhappy with my job. While we went back and forth a bit citing that I have never been diagnosed as such or been in a funk as long as this before, and that most likely if I were to hand in my resignation letter today things would start coming up daisies – the one thing we agreed on with little equivocation is that the crying jags are out of control.
They are. I can’t stop them from starting, and I can’t make them stop once they do. There’s no pause button, no reasoning or rationalization that can take them off their intended path of puffy eyes, lost inertia, and dismissed appetite. From my brief salty taste of things in recent weeks, I can only imagine that depression must be like knowing that there are great things around you – a vacation next weekend, a lovely boyfriend and apartment, steady income – but not being able to reach for them because your internal extensions are paralyzed.
I have seventeen started and yet-unfinished entries saved in one text document on my computer (this is the way I write, in case you were even slightly interested, but there are usually only two or three in the works). They are humorous desires to work with new and different types of idiots and whether that makes for acceptable cover letter grist; another is about a life-changing weekend whose one-year anniversary is passing as we speak; others are parts two through four of the way Alex and I met. I can’t get seem to get them off my computer and onto yours for the same reason I am struggling to draw, read, cook, or even bat my eyelashes as well as I was able just weeks ago. It seems I’ve gotten stuck.
While I have been certain up until this point this is just a multi-week bad mood I am wading through, kind of like the longest bad mood ever, I’m starting to realize I am going to have to actually do something more to see the end of this. Short of lying on my resume or coming into a windfall of money, I’m not sure I can change my job as fast as I would like, but I can ensure that by the end of this week I have depleted the queued posts from seventeen to something closer to the age I first realized that both boys and pot were going to be welcome additions to my leisure-time activities.
Stay with me, people – I’m going to make it worth your while.
Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor.
Did you start feeling down around the same time that the pill started taking effect? One of the common side effects of the pill is depression. Some women experience this side effect worse than others, and some not at all. But it's worth thinking about.
And if not that, then yes, jobs can cause temporarly depression. I've been in that place where it's nearly impossible to get up in the morning, because I hated my job. And then you don't feel like doing anything about it, because you feel like crap.
Hope things get better soon!
off topic, but I wanted to mention to all the NYC Smitten folk that I'll be in the area June 2-6 to attend the Belmont Stakes at Belmont Park. I'd be interested in meeting anyone who's into that sort of thing--maybe for sushi, since I love it so and hsve seen others mention it on here.
Anyway, drop me a line if you think we could work something out.
Go Smarty Jones!
You're ALWAYS worth it. You don't mind if I stop holding my breath though do you? My shit job still needs me too :(
sugarmama is right. i used to have crying jags that lasted for two or three days at a time. stress aggravated some of them, but the fact is that they were there and they were bad. have you considered ortho-tricyclen lo? it contains a lot fewer hormones (not being an actual doctor i can't tell you how many fewer, i can just parrot the commercial). i was serendipitously switched to it after my planned parenthood stopped carrying the "regular" pill. the transition period is something of a bitch, but it's worth it, especially if this pill's hitting you as hard as it seems to be.
good luck. feel better.
Why don't you schedule a massage with Victoria at the barbie dream loft tomorrow. Her $200 massages are going for $50 for friends and family (you).
I am betting that you will be a stay at home Mom before the summer is over. That is what my money is on.
Any major life changes recently? New address perhaps? New living arrangement? There have been significant changes in your life on two counts: moving, which is very stressful, and entering into a new phase of a committed relationship, although not quite on the level of getting married (or divorced), is enormously stressful. The crying may be an anxiety response to these changes rather than to depression. Of course having a job in which you are unhappy at best only adds to the stress load.
Like Sugar I'm no doctor, but I've been through all of the changes you have, and I sure felt tense on every one of those occasions.
Sugarmama - Yes and yes.
Ari - Please breathe. You're so much more fun when you are not blue in the face :)
Smitty - That's actually what I am on.
Joc - Maybe, could it be like an early birthday present?
Michael - I'm sure it's a lot of things. I'm not anxious to diagnose it; I'm just realizing it seems to be more than a bad mood. I'm used to being a really happy person.
Ye gods. Hang in there, ride it out, and things will get better eventaully. It's just hard to beleive it sometimes.
I agree with the other commenters. I found myself getting depressed when I was on the pill. It took several friends to form an intervention and say, "Look dude, you're a guy, so stop taking that crap." Your situation may be different, though.
I'm with the girls who are blaming the pill. Even as a mere blog reader it seems to me the crying started around the time you got on the pill.
from what I've read, BCPs that are tricyclical (even the low dosage kinds) have more/worse depression & mood swing side effects. talk to your GYN - maybe a regular, steady low-estrogen pill is a better option for you, or no pill at all.
Re: the pill side effects: I became so depressed during the first months of taking the pill that I I called my doctor up in hysterics. She suggested taking B vitamins, magnesium, and zinc, since the pill can deplete women's bodies of all of these things, which can contribute to the bad mood that will not go away. It helped me a lot. Just a thought.
Wow, and here I thought you were having so much fun with your new toy that you... well... had better things to do.
Sorry to hear I was wrong. I wish I had something inspirational to say - or at least funny enough to make you laugh.
On the depression part - I've been there. In my case, moving out of Texas did the trick!
I hear ya, on so many of these complaints, girlfriend. Things will get better. Not like I'm the picture of happiness, ever, but there are better times and worse times. In short: don't worry about losing us. We're in it for the long run (Esther said, on behalf of a group of people who are mostly unknown to her in real life).
Let's look at your calendar together; I'll help you make time to bat your eyelashes. After all, we all know what's important...
Hang in there hun. Being bi-polar myself there have been many many times that my depression swing lasted for weeks and into months. But I have learned this: even if you can't "fix" the biggest contributor, you can work to make things better. All the little efforts and changes can add up to one big push in the other direction. Has the laundry piled up lately due to your lack of desire or energy to deal with it? Get it done. Force yourself to get it taken care of. Only a small step, but believe me you will feel better knowing that you accomplished something. Go for long walks in the park, along the lake, near a school. Somewhere where natural beauty is all around you. Somewhere where there are kids laughing and running and playing. Somewhere that makes you realize that not all is as bad as it seems. Read a favorite book. Watch a favorite movie. Focus on the small things. I have found that this works best for me. If I try to take care of the one big thing I get too overwhelmed and get nowhere... or worse yet, get lower. Eventually things fall into place and the big problem starts to become smaller and smaller as little pieces of it are solved. But you need to start getting out of the funk first.
As for the pill, to stop taking them would not help. Give your body some time to adjust to the hormone changes. This usually takes about 3 months. In the meantime make sure you are eating right and getting some activity. That seems to help too.
Just know you aren't alone. There are a lot of depressed people out there and the worst ones are those that think they are alone and push others away. Now is the time to pull loved ones close and use them as your support system.
We're here. And I have to tell you that the Pill kicked off my second major clinical depression. Hie thee to a doctor!
goodness, we should all be so lucky to have friends like you, deb. or...readers of our blogs. i don't know your friends from your casual readers, so...
anyway, with support like this, your bad mood will soon have no legs to stand on. and what's life with no legs?
[no offence to the para's out there.]
17 | a bill | May 25, 2004 12:18 AM
Hey. I think I kinda know what you are feeling. I'm smack in the middle of the weirdest depression I've ever had in my life. Normally - I could pinpoint what is wrong, but this time I just cant. Great boyfriend, good job, friends, etc. This morning I cried my eyes out because some trees near my house are coming down due to construction. I FINALLY went to my Dr a few weeks ago and got some Wellbutrine. I dont expect it to be a miracle or anything, but at least it allows me to function a bit to sort it all out.
Thanks for writing thru yours, I'll be rooting for you.
No harm in seeing your Doc and getting something temporarily. Adjustment reaction disorder - not a Doc either but work with them. Not a bad thing to get some RX help. It will make a world of difference - worth a try.
Hang in there!
"I'm used to being a really happy person."
You don't sound particularly unhappy now, just stressed over events. Crying often eases deeper tensions. It's very helpful actually. Just remember: things could be much worse -- the Democrats could nominate a liberal from a state that allows same-sex marriages, thus guaranteeing the Republicans control over the government for 500 years! (Nah, never happen!)
Anyway, I've never taken the Pill, so I can't speak to its side effects. A medical consult seems called for. Let us know how you're doing.
I'm not sure how I wound up at your blog (thru someone elses blogroll I guess) and I just wanted to leave you a comment - I hope you start to feel better soon... I know I have been having bouts of depression lately which is hard because I have three small children who dont need to see their mother falling apart. Anyway I will be back to check on you soon. =)
GET OFF THE PUPPY PILLS! No one we know has ever had a good time with them. Ask Jaquelyn about her horror stories. You've never been depressed like this since I've known you. The cause and effect seems pretty clear.
OMG--Alexis--you are so right. When I was on them I went INSANE. My boyfriend & friends had to do an intervention to get me off of them. I would freak out and cry for no reason. It is totally the pills!! You will have to find and alternative--maybe Alex will get fixed? It is only temporary--he can have it reversed when you guys are ready to contribute to the over population of this earth!
Cliche for sure but hang in there. I'm a very glass is totally full kind of person but the when I went on the pill for the first time I turned into scary-crying-sad-girl. Similar (but much less intense) moods have happened when switching from one pill to the next in subsequent years. Just know that hormones are powerful and take some time to adjust. And we all love reading you and miss you when you're gone so hang in there...for us. :-)
could definitely be the pills. my doctor actually told me they were, in effect, toxic. recommended i switch to IUD - lowest of hormone doses, AND you get the added benefit of not having to think about it for 5 years. wanna get PG? have it removed - that easy. my appointment is in 2 weeks.
hang in there. having a crap job can do alot to bruise your psyche too.. especially if alot of who you are is defined by what you do. hate what you do, depression is sure to hit. if you can, play hookie one day and go spend a day pampering yourself (bubble bath, pedicure, face mask, etc.) and try to focus on yourself - with nobody around, you don't have to apologize for mood swings and you can spend some time thinking about the things that make you happy and how you are more than your job or your (temporary loss of) control of your emotions.
You people are scaring me with the pill talk! I just started them two weeks ago and am leaving the country for six months next Thursday - now I'm all freaked out that I'm going to turn into a total head case and start crying all the time and not be able to see my doctor to fix it until December. Sigh.
As a 19 yr old secretary (back in the day) I once went through 3 month phase of crying, freaking out, feeling of dread and sick every morning. Finally, one day I had a random crying fit in the middle of a gynocologist check-up. I think she had asked me how I was. Frankly, there was no reason to it, but I just hated my job but was afraid to quit. She said this, "Amy, you don't have to work for assholes". I quit that day, took a vow of poverty (no health insurance) and went back to school. I guess my body had been giving me a message all along. Only your body can know what you can handle.
RE: the job thing
There was a story some weeks back on Yahoo or Ananova about some woman in Chicago who had been running her own lottery for decades. Now, she was arrested and we don't want that for you but I think you should run a paypal lottery on your site. Since we all trust you to be honest, you could skim 20% or so and then the rest would go to the winner. Since we're a smaller group, the odds of winning would be excellent. You could use your bad art to make a little bar showing what the pot is up to each time.
I think it would be intriguing. And who knows, maybe you would increase readership as well.
jenny, don't be scared - i've been on them for 6 years without a problem.
I realized I've been so distracted that I forgot to thank all of you for your more-than-sweet comments. Here goes:
Greg - That explains so much.
Jalpuna - Oh, I wish that were the case, but sadly we didn't find time to, er, shop last weekend.
Frankenstein - You sound surprised.
Jenny - I wouldn't worry. I'm sure it's much more than pills for me.
Ms. Koolaid - You leave the best goddamn comments ever. Please come back more often.
Dahl - Thank you. I mean, aren't millions of women on it with few side effects? Why don't they leave me comments, too?
Michael - I love it. You can send me money first. I promise not to spend it... on... bwah.. ha ha... (I can't even say it without laughing) ... beer.