« previous | main | next »
hop on the bus, gus
106 stories about getting dumped later (and another 30-plus over here) and I think that this site should be officially subtitled the Internet’s Own Heartbreak Hotel. Wait, hang on …
…
… Done.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, and I have caught up on my comment reading, well one – I need a drink, and two – I’ve come to the realization that I was, as usual, all wrong. I mean, I think I finally get it.
There is no good way to break up with someone; there are no 'proper dumpings'. There are exceptionally awful ones, there are astounding examples of people failing to even attempt to handle the situation with tact, but there are no good stories. No person ever came over to their significant other’s place to say ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore and I know this feeling is not mutual’ and left the dumpee commenting, ‘Well, he/she handled that really well.’ Between sobs.
It just doesn’t happen that way. Being dumped is essentially like having your heart ripped out by some grizzly in the woods, and before one has their heart ripped out by some grizzly in the woods they never first say, ‘Um, hang on, if you make a small incision down the center first with this sharp and sterile scalpel, this will really be much easier for me. You don’t mind, do you?’
Nope, it just doesn’t happen; you just accept that there are things that you cannot control, that suck unbearably, that never can nor will be handled well, and then you fall down and die. …In the grizzly scenario, that is. When the your boy/girlfriend comes over with all of your shit in an old grocery bag, you may feel that you are going to fall down and die, but in actuality you just need to head to the gym (shudder) / peace pipe (getting better) / rebound guy’s house (hmm…) / liquor cabinet (Bingo!) and mope for a few days.
However, since this site is still actually named smitten, and I like to focus on the swooshier, sappier side of life, I am going to suggest some methods, which had they been used in those innumerable times I have been dumped in the past, might have caused a lot less trauma, drama, and me lunging for your eyes with my flexed fingernails afterward. I’m just saying.
- Here is a pound of Bittersweet Truffles from La Maison Du Chocolate and by-the-way-I-don’t-love-you-anymore. I hope you like the truffles.
- I’ve purchased for you six months of private sessions with the hottest trainer in Manhattan and by-the-way-I-don’t-love-you-anymore.
- I’m gay. You’ve ruined me for all women ever with your pristine beauty and god-like perfection. I will never love another woman.
- You know the cruise we were to go on together next week? You should go by yourself because by-the-way-I-don’t-love-you-anymore. Some time to unwind by yourself and meet some really hot island men will be good for you.
Look, I’m not saying it’s a fail-safe plan. You know it’s going to be ugly, there will be tears, hatred, hissy fits, psychiatrist appointments, nasty text messages to all of your and his/her friends, and voodoo hexes put out on your ass no matter how you handle it. I’m simply suggesting that, in my life at least, truffles, trainers, shunning other women, and offerings of hot island men are a good start in making up for your sorry, inadequate, pathetic inability to see how perfect we are together.
comments (12)
Dear god... I fucking love you and only wish you were my boy/girlfriend so the next person to dump me {only a matter of time, after all *lol*} could be you!!
1 | Ari | June 7, 2004 09:43 AM
I did have one good break-up. After ten years (seven of them married), my ex and I split up. Sometimes time is time. He is still one of my best friends, and I'm saying this only because it makes me feel good about myself in light of the past two years. It makes me feel like I'm not the crazy one.
What would make a really good break-up for me is for the asshole (2002-2003) to pay me the nine grand he owes me. Yeah, that would help. Unfortunately, it looks like I'm going to have to get used to feeling stupid.
2 | lisa | June 7, 2004 12:02 PM
Ah, La Maison -c'est magnifique!
I had a boyfriend that did #4. Only he came with and dumped my upon return (told me he knew a month in advance that he-didn't-love-me-anymore). But he got a tattoo (that I paid for as an anniversary gift) on the vacation so he's forever reminded of what a dickhead move he pulled. Ha-ha!
3 | D'Lish | June 7, 2004 12:23 PM
Actually, the best method for the dumpee's mental health, in my experience, is for the dumper to be kind of an asshole about it. That way the dumpee can feel totally righteous and unfairly victimized instead of worrying that they've lost the best thing they'll ever have as a result of their own inadequacies.
4 | flamingbanjo | June 7, 2004 04:11 PM
I'm really beginning to think this Alex (whoever the hell HE is, he could just be some fictitious lover cover for all we know, and no one has actually SEEN him, am I right?) has got it way, way too good.
I love excuse number three the best. I would love to be able to say that sometime in a really great restaurant after an appropriately fabulous meal.
5 | Michael | June 7, 2004 04:26 PM
I'm with flamingbanjo. Dump me hard so I can feel justified keying your car and telling the story about it for years to come.
6 | Theresa | June 7, 2004 06:36 PM
No, I've seen Alex, and he's quite real.
You seem to be catching up with me. 106 on one post? Damn.
7 | Frankenstein | June 7, 2004 10:26 PM
i can tell you that seriously its not better when number four works backwards like this:
so you know that trip to boston i gave you that we're going on in 2 days? yeah im going on that with my friend instead.
8 | chevy | June 8, 2004 09:19 AM
I have used: Our personalitied do not match for anything more than an occasional phone call--if that.
9 | Kajuana | June 8, 2004 02:48 PM
Eh. If it's an easy, you're probably not doing it right. ;-)
10 | Lex | June 9, 2004 02:47 PM
gmail swap has someone offering to break up positively for you....
11 | shana | June 15, 2004 01:25 PM
Oh, that's awesome.
(I finally got my own as a most-fabulous belated birthday gift. Now, if I can just find one for Alex before he takes up that offer...)
12 | deb | June 15, 2004 01:47 PM