« previous | main | next »
a sofa saga
Once upon a time on an enchanted island called Manhattan, a boy named Alex moved into a new apartment in the lower western quadrant of the isle. While all of the boxes of books were heaved up the two flights of stairs with little incident by burly movers, the sofa provided a challenge as it grabbed onto the sloped ceiling, wedged itself against the fixed railing, and refused to go any further. Whether it was too big or the stairwell was too small had yet to have been determined, but either way, Alex moved in and the sofa did not.
Through a stroke of good luck or an astounding lack thereof, months later Alex’s girlfriend came to live with him, and she, like most girlfriends of the cohabitating variety, decided to take this opportunity to make some decorating suggestions, namely: How about buying a smaller sofa like this-here-on-page-twenty-two-of-the-Summer-Catalogue that might actually fit up the stairs?
Once the Girlfriend’s spoiled rotten temper tantrum subsided over the fact that there would not be a $2200 Pottery Barn burnished leather sofa-chair in their future, the couple settled upon a more reasonably priced and guest-friendly Jennifer Convertible. When the Big Day arrived, Alex stayed home from work to await the cushioned delivery, interrupted hourly from his daydreaming by the Girlfriend, wanting to know if the apartment had yet cleaned itself and was there yet a sofa for him to sleep on the next time he incorrectly guessed what she was thinking. Before she could nag him for the eighth time, he called her first, informing her that the parcel had arrived but despite it’s teeny-tiny-ness, it was no match for the even teeny-tinier stairwell. Alex was yet again on the third floor while the sofa remained on the sidewalk outside; it would have to be taken apart before they could be together at last.
Upon hearing the cost of the sofa disassembly and reassembly, realizing that it would have to be re-disassembled and re-reassembled when they moved out of the apartment a year later, and recovering from a fainting spell brought on by a whirl of imperfect tenses and clumsy conjunctions, the Girlfriend convinced Alex that they could get by sofa-free with overpriced trendy armchairs and a new carpet like-these-here-on-page-eighteen-and-thirty-respectively. They headed to the store to cancel the order and collect their refund, a process they found surprisingly hassle-free.
One month later, while on their way to a concert in the neighboring village of New Jersey, they received a phone call that their NOW DISASSEMBLED sofa was loaded onto the truck and scheduled to meet them at their apartment the next day. Not knowing that such services were provided for free, the couple was briefly overjoyed with the bargain they had unintentionally landed, before realizing that PERCHANCE, the sofa had not actually been refunded the month before. Upon ringing the store, they were greeted on the phone by the VERY SAME employee who had “returned” the sofa only to learn that the sofa had never actually been “returned” and still technically “belonged to them,” with all servicing fees and taxes applied, and she was sorry because she had no record/memory of their last visit.
After only-the-kindest words of admonition and encouragement were applied – words most certainly not including “Better Business Bureau” and suggestions about the location of her missing records/memories – the saleswoman apologized an assured that a credit would be applied by the following afternoon, and confirmed via facsimile. When the confirmation had (of course) not been received the following day as promised, and upon again contacting the Jennifer Convertibles Employee of the Year, she decreed that the fax machine had not been working but that the… oh god, I’m going to say it…
Check was in the mail.
And the all the Readers in All The Land groaned and swore never to come back here ever again, citing Reader Abuse.
comments (12)
And I thought I had problems with returning stuff....
1 | michael | July 22, 2004 09:55 PM
Very strange enchanted isle, with many odd native customs.
The point, of course, is not to move into a late 19th century-early 20th century building with 21st century furniture. Become betrothed, purchase an all mod-con house in the village of Jersey or lovely Nyack, procreate, and pay enormous sums on new furniture and tuition. You never get outta these blues alive, you know.
2 | Michael | July 23, 2004 09:35 AM
Very few Manhattanites can get a couch without having to hire a dissassemble-reassemble service to take delivery and bring it to you. It's just part of the enormous freight of living in this marvelous city. Doing so also voids the Crate & Barrel warrenty, but four years on my sofa and I are still happy in my 3rd floor walk up.
3 | Anonymous | July 23, 2004 11:29 AM
I had wondered what everyone else was doing, since the city is mostly walk-ups. I think if we were going to live there longer, the fees would seem worthwhile, but only for the full-sized sofa, and not the mini.
I'm sorry. I've put you all to sleep again.
4 | deb | July 23, 2004 11:33 AM
Got here from curbed, love your blog.
We're giving away a couch free if you want it (can send pics and measurements).
5 | sarah | July 23, 2004 03:35 PM
Happened to come across this link on Curbed and thought immediately of your sofa piece.
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/main/archives/000658.html
6 | Jennifer | July 24, 2004 09:43 PM
"...overjoyed with the bargain they had unintentionally landed,"
So youse was gonna what, keep it? Would that be stealing?
7 | a | July 26, 2004 12:30 PM
deb, jennifer convertibles has an AWFUL reputation for this stuff. absolutely fucking awful. i know so many people that took months to get a couch from there, it's amazing they're still in business.
8 | k | July 26, 2004 04:01 PM
I'm sure no one will be the slightest bit surprised that the confirmation of the order cancellation has yet to arrive in the mail...
9 | Alex | July 26, 2004 04:16 PM
Attorneys General from here to California have filed suit against Jennifer for their shitty business practices. They were fined in NY, but kept doing it, so Spitzer filed ANOTHER suit. We were *this close* to buying a sofa from them months ago, but luckily, while compiling links for a post, found out about their history. No sofa for us! I'll keep my fingers crossed that the check *was* in the mail.
10 | z. | July 26, 2004 07:33 PM
oh my. so sorry u weren't aware that JENNIFER CONVERTIBLES IS THE DEVIL INCARNATE! most stressful place in the world. not without a whole host of problems do i own such a couch. i despise the couch. it causes me grief. my distaste is only surpassed by the animosity i feel for the employees. perhaps we could band together and take um out? just a thought.
11 | stacey | July 27, 2004 04:42 AM
Now, I don't want anyone to fall over from shock, but yesterday - August 9th, 2004 - we recieved in the mail a Jennifer Convertibles bill with a ZERO BALANCE on it. Good thing I was clutching the counter; I nearly fainted.
12 | deb | August 10, 2004 01:34 PM