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in which my cluelessness causes me agony
I think we all know by now that I’m a little slow on the uptake.
It didn’t start yesterday. When I was little, because my mother told me that all the shows my sister and I watched were actually just drawings on the television screen, I was baffled by the life-like artistry of Little House on the Prairie – for weeks. Another time, I was on line at a store in the mall with my mother, and a man behind me said, “Hello Deborah,” and I panicked because how did he know my name and was this one of those dangerous strangers my parents warned me about talking to and, and… And then he pointed to my belt, which said “Deborah” all the way around the waist. Until then, that was my favorite accessory.
My cluelessness also didn’t stop yesterday, when after a long and not very pleasant day, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by getting a bikini wax. It’s been a while. (At Fish’s birthday party Tuesday night, Ari at one point reached her hand up my jeans and said, “It’s not just an urban myth! Girls with boyfriends DO shave!” To which I respond, Yes, but only our legs.) (You can shut your ringing TMI Meter off now. You had no business coming ‘round here with one of those anyway.)
Despite how long it’s been, I’m not new to these things. I used to get my stuff “taken care of” every few months, always getting what I thought was a Brazilian. Yesterday, as I lay there practicing my yoga breathing and imagining myself other places where things that were not meant to be torn from you were not being torn from you, I couldn’t help but notice that – well – she was doing a lot of work down there. Every time the wax landed in a new spot I thought, There too? I had no idea. Is this something new? Holy @#$%&*# GOD that hurts!
And thus we have the aforementioned cluelessness.
It was when she proclaimed me “done” and the “best client ever” for my lack of cursing and kicking her that I peered downward and saw…
Nothing.
Nada.
Rien.
When you go through life as uncouth as I do, you get used to being taken aback by obvious things. You learn to brace yourself against your reactions, and to not act too surprised by things that you are pretty sure you should be taking in stride. This was one of those moments. I bit my tongue and tried to hide my shock, horror, and humiliation over looking like a ten-year-old down there, while inside I only wondered Where had the communication broken down?!
It was when at the register paying the exorbitant bill and being handed a list of Spa Services that I saw something that, well, had I read half an hour earlier may have saved me a bit of trauma.
Semi Brazilian – Leaves a “landing strip.”
Brazilian – Takes it all off.
I can’t believe I brought this upon myself.
comments (24)
ooooh, ouchie, where did you go? my one attempt at brazilian resulted in quite a sad tale, which i'll spare here, but i have to say, it take a spartan spirit to have it ALL taken off.
1 | writersbloc gal | July 23, 2004 10:23 AM
I swear. I didn't mean to.
2 | deb | July 23, 2004 10:28 AM
1) OUCH....OMG....I got tears in my eyes just reading that and 2) Did he like it?!? (so much for TMI meters...).
3 | carrster | July 23, 2004 10:38 AM
Sorry, deb... It's through our own mishaps that we learn of such things. Although if one does go to get regular bikini waxes, no place is better than Bliss, at least not in my own experience. I also hope the boyfriend appreciated it...
4 | writersbloc gal | July 23, 2004 10:44 AM
How much DID she take off? Just the front ... or did she go between the legs to remove the hair?
I have done the landing strip, (including the removal between the legs) at home with an epi-lady. That hurt. BUT I was determined to feel and look great for my hubby. I am now, simply using my shaver...
5 | Gin | July 23, 2004 11:09 AM
yowza yowza.
6 | hubs | July 23, 2004 11:27 AM
oh, baby! i was going to say "it'll grow back!" but then i thought about the nature of the situation and realized that's a hefty part of the problem!
7 | sassylittlepunkin | July 23, 2004 11:32 AM
het. Yes, the full brazilian can be quite a shock. I do hope that Alex appreciated the, erm, effort you went to.
8 | Bond Girl | July 23, 2004 11:43 AM
I *love* getting a full brazillian. I think you'll find it to be a form of free air conditioning in these sweltering summer months.
9 | sonya | July 23, 2004 01:13 PM
Did he like it???...Did he appreciate it???...puh-leeeeeeease!!!!!!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Alex, I hate you. :)
10 | bionicroach | July 23, 2004 01:14 PM
OMG, the waxist didn't tell you?
The first time I met my waxist, she was very adamant about explaining where it's gonna be taken off and what would be left. Brazilian would be the landing strip and the French, the prepubescent look. LOL.
Ah, the terms. We are so lost in translation. =P
11 | EnnGril | July 23, 2004 01:37 PM
*sigh* what you women will do for us men. i'll say this for all of us.
"we love you" :D
12 | freydo | July 23, 2004 02:23 PM
exfoliating the area afterwards is even more fun! after going through the torturous process of removal, you have to be vigilant about exfoliating with a something. when i shower and use a sisal brush on my bikini line i can't help thinking i'm a masochist. I've never done a brazilian, as i am torn over the 10 year old girl appearance and why men like that (i know, don't go there) BUT a question for the women: do you end up liking it enough that you do it for your own enjoyment?? i'm curious, it could change my POV...
13 | hazel | July 23, 2004 03:44 PM
Shee-it. I am very old.
So we now know the folicular bite. But what was the financial bite? I really want to know, and you're the only one I dare ask.
14 | Michael | July 23, 2004 04:30 PM
Hazel, I have been doing it for my own enjoyment for, let's see, five years now. I can't imagine not doing it anymore.
15 | Bond Girl | July 23, 2004 04:44 PM
While I was in Brooklyn, I got my downy underbelly un-down-ified for a measly 20 bucks with no appointment necessary, compared to the standard $65 and a two week wait in Sea-town. I wish I could have had her do it three times and have it last for the next year.
Hazel: I wouldn't have it done if I didn't enjoy it.
I'm suprised at myself for talking about pubic hair removal with this much enthusiasm.
16 | sonya | July 23, 2004 05:40 PM
I got my first and last Brazilian when I was 20. This may be too much info but when I looked down there I was like, "WHOA! It kinda looks like a rubber chicken."
17 | AlexisT | July 24, 2004 01:10 AM
Oh my God, you must have great self-restraint to not have been wailing through that. That treatment sounds like nearly as much fun as dunking for french fries.
18 | carrie | July 24, 2004 03:38 PM
I had dinner with Deb last night--can you believe she didn't show anybody? aha ha ah aha --not even a sneak peak in the bathroom
joce
19 | jocelyn | July 24, 2004 04:10 PM
Well, maybe if you'd bought me a drink first.
20 | deb | July 24, 2004 06:03 PM
I've been going to the same woman for years to get my waxing done. She's a bit of an urban secret: lightning quick, mostly painless, friendly and makes one feel at ease, and less than half the cost of any of the high-rent spas in Manhattan. A good waxer will ask exactly what you want before she does it and that's how I've kept the same perfectly manicured style - with no surprises. Next time just mention how you'd like the underside shorn, but a little up top to remind you you're over 10!
21 | Olympia | July 26, 2004 11:39 AM
what, no photo? i thought you were all amped about posting photos. couches, living arrangements, outdoor restaurants, and gay pride just doesn't seem to cut it after a story like this.
22 | a bill | July 26, 2004 01:45 PM
Poor baby. Kiss and make better?
23 | triticale | July 29, 2004 08:58 AM
There's an episode in season 3 of Sex and the City that deals with the infamous Brazillian. The Brazillian, Carrie discovers, much like a certain dress she wore in season one, has a life of its own...
24 | Wendy | July 29, 2004 02:16 PM