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evidence that i don’t write well on-demand
Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. The Thing That Sleeps Soundly Besides Me (TTTSSBM) was snuggled in for eight hours of drool-less slumber, but I was restless. I tried to entertain myself. I put both of my feet up in the air, flexed my toes, and attempted to balance a pillow on them, like a table. This was remarkably easy, so I opted for a more significant challenge: one foot. First the right, then the left, then the right. When this bored me, I tried to get the pillow from the one-foot-right to the one-foot-left position without using my hands at all. It fell and landed on the TTTSSBM’s head, who looked up grumpily and said, “Freakshow.” and “You’re such a weirdo!” which, as we all know, is one-hundred-percent the truth.
But that’s not what I was getting at, promise. The 200,000th visitor (no URL but OMG, have you seen this place? Damn you, Weight Watchers!) to this here little website of mine suggested discussing some of the weirdest parts of moving in and living with someone. While nothing probably sums it up better than the above story, I have created an abbreviated list:
- The laundry, it gets done. The dry-cleaning, too! I was always terrible about bringing my stuff in before I got down to the granny panties or the wee-bit too-snug pants, but this is just one of those things that the boy never messes up on. Score!
- There’s always a toothbrush to use, even if it’s not actually mine. Details.
- Cooking is fun again! Cooking for one blows – you buy, you slave over the stove, you have miles of leftovers, you clean dishes for an hour. Cooking for two is brilliant; it costs less than takeout (usually), and always tastes better (if I do say so myself). I’m dusting off recipes I clipped years ago, I’m trying all sorts of new things, and my full-and-happy boyfriend then does the dishes. Sweet.
- Boys are cute! They fill apartments with yummy boy-cologne! Boxers! Big shoes! Coast soap! Hands that pop out of nowhere to grab your ass!
- Slowly, your dignity disappears. Initially, we decided that the Point of Coupledom No-Return would be if we started speaking to each other through the bathroom door. Then we decided that it would be okay, even necessary sometimes, but only if we weren’t actually going at the time. Then we decided that it would be okay to talk through the door during, but only if we didn’t talk about what was actually going on in there. This, too, has been shot to hell though exclamations such as, “Good Lord, the stench is strangling me out here!” “Good one, honey!” and, “Why did I eat all that asparagus! Yeech!”
- Someone IN MY OWN HOME calls me names. Like Freakshow. And Dumpling. And Nutcase. And HeyYouWithTheCleavageAllPoppingOut. Someone witnesses it when I do weird things. Someone knows which undergarments always cause the wedgies. The jury is still out on whether this is a good thing.
- The TV, it’s always on. The television in my last bedroom was used less than ten times a year, but my boyfriend is capable of watching TV for hours on end. Sometimes I come out of the shower and the TV is on and nobody is in the living room and I wonder what my life has become. Then I realize that it’s some badass show like Extreme Makeover, and I get over it quickly. Still, it’s a big adjustment.
- Someone always asks me, “Who’s that on the phone?” “What are you doing in there?” “Shouldn’t we get going already?” And while he means exquisitely well, as I’ve mentioned before, all that attention – it’s different.
I showed you my list – now you have to show me yours.
comments (10)
I wish I had a list :[
I was laying in bed a few minutes ago, smiling to myself and daydreaming about how life will be when someone is finally crazy enough to want to live with me. I want him to putter around, fixing things that aren't broken. And lay quietly next to me in bed while I read.
*sigh*
1 | Colleen | September 9, 2004 04:14 PM
ahhh yes... the diginity is always the shocker when that disappears :-/
hopefully i'll have a list to prepare soon enough :D
2 | freydo | September 9, 2004 07:40 PM
Some of my moving in things:
1. Who cares how you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle from the top as long as the top of it is clean?
2. Yes - Ketchup goes on anything.
3. Some are better at making the bed than the rest of us.
4. The dishwasher... why should forks all go in facing the same way? They end up "spooning" each other and can't get cleaned.
5. Yes the bathroom door and other gastric mysteries come out.
6. Make sure you have 2 tv's...critical = this is huge.
3 | #200,000 | September 9, 2004 08:02 PM
"Boys are cute! They fill apartments with yummy boy-cologne! Boxers! Big shoes! Coast soap! Hands that pop out of nowhere to grab your ass!"
Hehehehe. Awesome. That one made me laugh out loud.
OK, some of mine :
1) How do you NOT spray toothpaste on the mirror?
2) Let me use the internet. Please. Let me use the friggin' internet. I need to check my email. Let me use the NET GODDAMNIT. I won't say please again, I need to check my email. You're only posting on a messageboard about Italian pasta sauce! Let me check my email! *commence strangling*
3) Why do you have to have so many condiments? Ooh. I can have jam/jelly on toast! Yey! And wow, this dressing is hot. And where did you find this chilli paste?
4) Yes, I like watching America's Top Model. No I don't want you to tell me how vapid and shallow they are. Yes, I can hear those remarks even though you're in the other room. NO I DON'T CARE. I'll remember this when you want to watch The Outer Limits with the scary aliens.
5) Do I look hot in this? Yes? Awesome. Thankyou. No, I won't walk around naked, it might get me deported.
6) Special brownies.
4 | Natali | September 9, 2004 09:52 PM
Message board about Italian pasta sauce...
I can't even attempt to match that.
5 | deb | September 9, 2004 10:04 PM
Not current, but here is a conglomerate of features, starring "Men I Used to Love".
1. Discussions of the tummy. I like to limit them to "Oh, I have an upset tummy", while his entire family were raised on detailed discussions of the tummy. And I was the Jewish one.
2. No, really, I don't like watching the football. I don't really like that you like to watch the football. When I sit in my corner and read last last week's NYT, that doesn't mean I'd like to watch football. OK, fine, you can watch the football, but then I have to go shopping.
3. I'm definitely with you on the cooking. And he drank milk, on a daily basis, so when I wanted milk with my granola on a bi-weekly basis, there was no painful process of pouring out the milk I had purchased two weeks ago, used for one bowl of cereal, then allowed to texturize in the fridge, followed by a trip to the bodega.
4. He reminded me to call my mother. I think it was to prevent the 9.30 a.m. phone call on Saturday morning "because I haven't heard from you and I wanted to be sure that you'd be in".
5. Chocolate eating freak. I am a WO-MAN. That means I need a stash of chocolate for when I need chocolate. If you eat the last of my secret hidden-from-you chocolate stash and I am have that monthly bitchyness about me, I will bite my head off. What, you're sorry? What, you'll rub my back as I call you bad names? I will still not forgive that you ate all the chocolate. But I will make sure that in the future I have multiple secret stashes, in places you will never look.
6 | mathematician | September 10, 2004 06:00 PM
well along with the usual things we have an interesting bathroom related one. i never really close the door when i'm in there, except if i think i realy should, some bathroom times are private.
however, upstairs in our bedroom the bathroom door has actually been taken off by the previous tenants. it's in the basement and we haven't bothered to put it back on. kinda takes away some mystery when you go in there to pee in the morning and other things slip out as well! but loving each other even after seeing/hearing all the little unsavoury bits is what it's all about :)
7 | t | September 12, 2004 09:08 AM
Two of everything.
Two internet-able computers (key). Two toilets. Two twothbrushes (although as noted, this one's flexible). The first two are not flexible. Two sets of pillows (two each). Two containers of OJ. Two bags of candy! Two kinds of soft drink. Two kinds of applesauce, of peanut butter, of cracker, of bread.
Two sides of the bed, each filled. Two different sleep schedules, work cycles (busy at one doesn't mean busy at the other). Two sets of mood swings.
Two people who can independently have a moment of manic cleanliness hit them. Two sets of eyes. Two sets of hands. Two drivers in the house. Two sets of housekeys (key!). Two cellphones, two voices, two hearts.
All that, plus some division of labor, and it gets pretty good.
8 | Enonymouse | September 20, 2004 07:06 AM
someone's around who knows how i take my coffee. it's very nice to walk into the kitchen and have my large mug sitting there (one sugar, lots of milk).
yes... cooking gets fun. and the funnest thing is when he wants to help, and then doesn't know how to properly peel some vegetable. hehehe. so adorable when he tries though.
the paper gets brought in every morning. now i'm not quite good as to venture out every morning to pick up the paper. sometimes i won't get it till the middle of the day, but somehow he always remembers to grab it. that and he remembers to leave the garbage can out on sunday nights for the trash people to pick it up. brownie points for boy.
snack food slowly creeps into the house. when before you didn't need four kinds of doritos and salsas and cheeze its, the boy seems to only survive between meals if there is something quick and crunchy he can pop into his mouth. how he keeps that body i'll never know.
9 | icklebits | September 23, 2004 04:49 AM
Ah, you write so well. My girlfriend and I laughed! Then I rubbed her stinky feet without mentioning the, uh, scent (it's not MY fetish, I know that) and we talked about and through Law and Order.
It's the little things. Yeah, I've gained 20 lbs. since she moved here and she's got a tummy thing happening, too. Does it matter when you feel so happy it makes you stupid?
Note to self: must start COUNTING points, not just carrying around tiny booklet from Weight Watchers like an anti-fat amulet...
10 | Jeff | September 23, 2004 04:13 PM