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overwhelmingly delayed reactions
I saw an exboyfriend of mine on the street yesterday. We had dated for a year before I moved to New York. He was in medical school at the time; his family was from Peru. He was near Seventh Avenue, talking to a guy, someone doctor-ish. He didn’t see me. I walked right by.
Look, I lied – I’m not even positive it was him. But, it looked like him, it felt like him, and after I saw him, after I kept on moving past this man who could have been my exboyfriend but I’m not one-hundred percent sure, I was overcome with rage – raving, rampaging, and vitriolic. Suddenly, overwhelmingly, and five years past the point - I was finally furious with him.
For leading me on. For saying out of one cheek in condescending, cutesy terms that he loved me and out of the other that he always thought he’d end up with a Spanish-speaking girl. … Who would hang out with his mother for hours on end while the men watched football. … Someone with a short dating history, and no experience before him. Someone like his exgirlfriend, about whom he could speak no negatives, who had left for Puerto Rico after college, because her parents didn't like her too far from home. … The kind of girl who always waited for him to kiss her, never starting anything on her own.
… And who appeared sitting on his lap in a photograph in the top drawer of his dresser, found when I was looking for something inane, while I lived with him between leases. Over winter break he and the guys had gone to Puerto Rico on vacation; it never made it into the stack of photos he had shared with me.
I was stunned. I didn’t know what to do. I put it back. I closed the drawer. I pretended I had never seen it. I didn’t want it to be true. It was easier to settle my plans to move to NY after that; it would be for the best. He didn’t beg me to stay. This, too, I resented.
And at 6:15 PM yesterday, heading out of Whole Foods with some ingredients for a late dinner with my one-and-only, my now-and-as-long-as-he-wants-me-boy, having come so many years and miles from that stagnant place and that stagnant person who put offending photos back in top drawers and tried obsessively to erase their imprints in her mind – I stumbled on a vat of rage that should have long since been overcome, that ought to be irrelevant, but now it only seems obvious that it is not him I’m actually angry with.
comments (11)
I got the why didn't I respect myself blues.
oh yeah.
1 | Theresa | September 15, 2004 01:40 PM
A blast from the past... I'm not a fan of things that come back from 5 years prior, but if something can cause such a reaction then I guess it still needs to be addressed.
2 | michael | September 15, 2004 01:44 PM
Grrrr...that pisses ME off!!! hmph
3 | carrster | September 15, 2004 01:55 PM
michael's right. sometimes it's not getting over him but getting over yourself.
4 | hubs | September 15, 2004 02:37 PM
Why get mad? You're better off now. If you happen to see him again, punch him in the mouth. You'll feel better, I promise.
5 | Howard | September 15, 2004 05:15 PM
Reminds me of flipping off my ex's (distinctive) car after he drove by me on the street. Nothing quite like that sudden feeling of RAGE, is there?
6 | Jennifer | September 15, 2004 06:36 PM
It's amazing how this stuff just hangs out under the surface waiting for some trigger, then floods your body with bile, gives your heart a charlie horse and makes you look at yourself from a whole new angle. Damnit.
7 | kelly | September 15, 2004 07:39 PM
whatever--you had to find that picture and he had to treat your poorly--to keep you on your path to NY. otherwise you might still be living in GASP DC.
joce
8 | jocelyn | September 15, 2004 07:59 PM
finding a picture like that would have eaten me up inside, you are stonger than you think, i would have blown up instead of silently planning my path. atleast this run in with the ex occured during a period of time where you are happy with your life, it makes it easier to deal with, for sure.
9 | hazel | September 16, 2004 09:48 AM
Nothing wrong with DC, nothing at all. But jocelyn brings up a good point, you wouldn't be where you are today without your past. If that doesn't work for you, go Howard's route.
10 | Matt | September 16, 2004 12:08 PM
You write beautifully. Nothing more I could possibly say.
11 | Anonymous | October 1, 2004 04:29 PM