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sweet sunshine and burning bridges
When I get a new job, it’s gonna be like Christmas coming ‘round early. I’m going to run out into the street, tilt my head back to the sky, open my arms, and sweet sunshine is going to reign down on my existence. It’s going to be something like that scene in Shawshank Redemption after he crawls through twenty football fields of shit-sodden tunnels and ends up in a stream, tearing his prison top off and letting the rain and free air wash over him for the first time in years.
Mostly, that is. I’ll keep my shirt on – or so we hope.
For months now, Little T and I have been practicing aloud the wording of our hypothetical resignation letters. We do this on our way up to work on Monday mornings; it helps relieve the gnawing cramps in our abdomen at the top of another five? Six? days at our least favorite place on earth.
“How does this sound? ‘I regret to inform you that as of next Friday, I will no longer…’”
“Not ‘regret’! ‘I am PLEASED to inform you…’”
“Ooh, I like that!”
“‘It is with GREAT PLEASURE that I inform you…’”
“Hee. Good one. And not ‘as of next Friday’ – how about ‘as of tomorrow…’”
“Or 9:30 AM today! That would give us time to clean out of desks!”
“And tell some people what we really think of their new haircuts and gawdy-ass engagement rings!”
Of course, it’ll never happen like that. Our (cough) politeness will get the better of us. We’ll curtsy, we’ll bow. We’ll say we have another offer that we can’t refuse, and it will be the truth, mostly (but at this point the appeal of ringing groceries at Gristedes is gaining momentum). We’ll talk about how much we’ve learned here, how we’ve grown as professionals, and how sad we are to leave the team. I mean, if they can’t figure out how not to aggravate entire groups of employees into leaving, there is little we can tell them on the way out except, “better luck next time!” (like my friend Mary writes on the tip line of the check at restaurants with abominably bad service).
Until then, though, it’s another week of resumes unanswered, phone calls insofar ignored; crossing my fingers and hoping that this week is going to be It, and staring out the window, entertaining fantasies about burning bridges I hope to never have to cross again.
comments (9)
I don't see any reason that you can't write two letters each. The first one, to be handed in. And the second, more expansive, more venomous/gleeful one, for the amusement of the hordes of online hotties for whom you are a blog queen. :-)
1 | Esther | September 27, 2004 03:26 PM
If we're voting, I vote shirts off. :)
2 | Howard | September 27, 2004 04:36 PM
Quitting a shitty job is great fun. The last dealership I worked at the managment team were perfect assholes and I couldn't wait to leave. At the end of a month I had 3 cars to deliver one morning and I was going to leave. It was awesome I delivered my cars ate lunch on the company dime, walked up to the sales desk and told the biggest asshole in the place "thanks for the opportunity, I quit, this place is the worst (I may have said sucks, not sure)" I hopped on my motorcycle and was out of there by noon. I felt great it was like a huge wieght bieng lifted off my shoulders.
3 | Robert Dobbs | September 28, 2004 09:59 AM
Looking for a job sucks.
I know what I'm talking about.
I hold my fingers crossed for you!
4 | pascalo | September 28, 2004 10:22 AM
Here is an idea: a very professional resignation letter accompanied by laxative-laced cupcakes.
Just a thought....
5 | Wicked H | September 28, 2004 10:28 AM
i know the instant you get a new job we're going to hear your whoops of joy all the way out here in la la land!!!!!
6 | sassylittlepunkin | September 28, 2004 11:07 AM
Make sure you know the local labor laws. If you intend to give your two weeks notice and New York is an 'at will' state, they could just let you go on the spot with no recourse (like Georgia). So unless you start work the next day, you could be without a paycheck for that time. The best thing is to walk in at the end of the day Friday with a box containing your belongings and turn in you keys and cards and say thanks, but I'm working elsewhere starting Monday.
7 | Raymond | September 28, 2004 01:58 PM
raymond's right. anyone giving notice at my company is shown immediately to the door. if you insist on cleaning out your desk, you are watched carefully and hurried along. when i give my notice, it will be after deleting anything personal from my computer and packing in my own sweet time.
8 | ruby | September 28, 2004 08:17 PM
The only thing more satisfying than a hypothetical resignation letter is a hypothetical exit interview. I've had many of those play out in my head over the years - they usually contain the phrase, "And another thing...!" Good luck with the job search - I recently found your site and really enjoy your writing!