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things i will say to the next person who has the bad form to ask me if alex and i are getting engaged:
- We do not believe in the archaic and failing institution of marriage. It is for the weak, who rely on it for convenience and comfort. Why bother when you can just cohabitate?
- Not gonna happen – I can’t afford the monstrously huge, oval-cut ring with tacky side stones and a platinum band that he insists he is deserving of no less than.
- I sure hope so – I haven’t taken my pill in months!
- Not until he agrees to take my name.
- Our relationship is still recovering from the last bachelor party he attended – really? Another?
- He won’t marry me unless I lose five more pounds. I’ve been eating nothing but grapefruit for weeks, but he insists I’m not trying hard enough.
- Even if he asks, I will say no out of protest until marriage is made legal for my homosexual brothers and sisters.
- You know he’s a polygamist, right? Well, his third wife really ticks me off and if that’s the kind of skank he’s into… harrumph!
- Well, he was thinking about it, but then the other night we were watching Bridezilla and I thought these women were wonderful, I mean, why do they get such a bad rap? So they’re attentive to detail, big deal! All the color drained from Alex’s face and he started mumbling about how we should really slow things down and…
- We can’t. He has not yet divorced his mail order bride.
comments (11)
... and I just peed in my chair - that was awesome!!! I can't wait to set you loose on my Aunt Florrie.
1 | Ari | December 3, 2004 12:36 PM
You could also say:
"NY State doesn't recognize same-sex marriages yet, and since the operation Alex hasn't been able to legally change his gender yet"
Sorry Alex, its all in good fun!
2 | michael | December 3, 2004 12:38 PM
This is among my favorite Smitten entries ever. Love.It.
3 | Bond Girl | December 3, 2004 12:43 PM
"Divorce Stopping Secrets"
I # Google Ads. Secret? Don't get engaged. DUH.
4 | Fae | December 3, 2004 02:18 PM
I'm also loving these ads! (I just added them yesterday.) Currently, I see an ad for Chinese mail order brides. Clearly, they've found their niche market here!
5 | deb | December 3, 2004 02:25 PM
How about, "Right after the baby is born"...
6 | Howard | December 3, 2004 03:43 PM
Hilarious.
I don't know if it's worse when you're single or not. When I get asked, it's just so absurd. "Yeah, grandma, in like six months, let me just go pick out a husband down at the bar..." I'm going to start telling people I'm a lesbian so they'll back off.
7 | Maura | December 3, 2004 05:09 PM
Over Thanksgiving my grandmother mentioned how she tells herself she needs to stay alive for my cousin's wedding next July, and then proceeded to ask me when I was getting married so she could STAY ALIVE for that too. Lovely!
On the bright side, I know that she will have to stick around for a very, very long time if she wants to wait for me.
8 | jennn | December 5, 2004 02:41 PM
Congratulations! I'm sooooooo happy for the both of you!!!!
9 | hubs | December 6, 2004 06:36 PM
Hysterial laughter is also a good response to the question. It also prevents the question in the future.
10 | Katherine | December 7, 2004 02:51 PM
There is no word as cohabitate.
You probably want to say cohabit...
11 | varunan | December 19, 2004 08:37 AM