hi. i started reading a few weeks ago.
losing girlfriends is one of the saddest things. but, i think a lot of times it's over miscommunication and distance. the one girlfriend i've lost (well the one i cared about) showed up again then went away again. that was probably more cruel than just leaving the 1st time. at least you tried.

I totally know what you mean. The best girl friend I made during college stopped returning phone calls and emails after a while. I still think about it and wonder if I drove her away somehow or if she, like everyone else, was just busy.

Hmm, maybe I should try to get in contact one more time and see how she is.. Couldn't hurt, right?

please. why do you think she "dumped" you? why don't you think she is just very busy or has something on her mind that doesn't let her speak right now, or so many other things?
my best friend and I got to know each other when we were ten years old, then went to different schools at 13, didn't see/talk to each other for years, then got back together again, and now sometimes we are very close, and then again distant because we just lead very different lives. but then we give each other a call and it's like nothing has changed. real friendship means understanding such phases and not asking for more than the other is at any moment able to give.

wait and try again.

I have a couple friends who up and left like that, and while I can't pretend to feel the same pain over it, I understand what you mean.

Heck, I'm not very good at returning calls myself.

The only one I REALLY made an effort at staying in touch with is my friend Pete. He's my oldest friend, made on my first day in the US, when we didn't have a single word in common, and he taught me english, I guess.

Alas, Pete has turned fuddy-duddy, and we really have nothing in common anymore. So I exchange emails with his wife, and his kid brother we used to torture in 4th grade, and decided long ago to let sleeping dogs lie.

Friendships are like marriages. Focus on the good times, and how they changed your life, and no regrets, even when they are dead.

It occurred to me in my thirties that if all the friends I made in my life stayed in my life there would be no room! Some friends were meant to stay and some were meant to grace our lives for a short while and move on. Learn to be a better friend from each friend you make and then practice it.
I am almost fifty now and what I have finally figured out is that the friends who have stayed in my life ask only what is truly important from me....and never make me feel like I let them down. I am very grateful for all of them.

heather et al. - I think that it was the lack of a simple congratulations on the engagement. I hope that doesn't sound self-absorbed, but, you know, it's a pretty big deal and she had a big role in it and... Eff that. It was rude.

agreed. no matter how swamped she is or how difficult a period she is going through, she should have offered up her congratulations. it _is_ a big deal and few things will hold as much importance as this. anyway, the sting is perfectly reasonable, and yes, it does suck more when your girlfriends dump you than when boyfriends. it's probably also that your girlfriends don't have a "it's not working anymore" speech. they slowly phase out. no explanation. no closure. breakups are easier because they're just that - breakups. people have that final talk.

i'd love to agree with Mary, but c'mon, friends aren't meant to stay or go. that's why they're friends - they stick around for you.

The girl break-ups are so much more personal in a way. A guy might set his eyes on a sexier landscape or just involve himself in guy-ness and while it's painful it's not the same game. I've been dumped by my share of girls along the way although to be fair I've also done some dumping. A year and half ago was the number one break-up, High Fidelity style. It's been almost a year and a half since we spoke at all. Still can't wrap my mind around that. It was her birthday the other day so I wrote her an e-mail thinking I was cool with it all and grown-up. Neither of which is true apparently. I'm sad she hasn't written back. But why would she? She broke up with me...

Thanks for your post. I get it.

I have a friend that I've known since kindergarten. We were in the same school from 1-12 grades as well. After graduation he was more interested in drugs and partying than maintaining our friendship. So, I went my own way. At one point he got married and had a kid. Fast forward to 2002 and me moving to NYC. On a whim I dug up his number and discovered he is living near Washington DC, still married (which is odd among my friends). We have since reconnected and have taken a couple cross-country holiday trips together to visit our families in Mississippi. We are now planning trips to some sporting events in NC and WV this fall. He spent a weekend in NYC with his brother last year and admitted that it was his fault that we had lost so much time. My point? It is possible to reconnect, but it is up to them.

I know how you feel. I've had a couple of friends from college who just stopped communicating with me for no apparent reason. It's not like we ever argued or had a problem. I used to call and leave messages, but then gave up. I do think that some people are in our lives for a certain amount of time and then they go...or both people need each other at certain times in their lives and when life changes, they move on. It's never easy, but it's life. Still, I think your friend should have at least called to congratulate you.

(P.S. I just found your site and really like it).

Breaking up with your female friends is so difficult. I think it's because with men, most of the time (until you find the good ones) you hold part of yourself back, so if things don't go well and you inevitably break up, they're only rejecting the PART of you that you let them see. And you are well aware of that. With your female friends, you tend to let everything hang out, they know ALL of you, rather than just the dating part of you, and it's much more of a blow to the ego or a "hurt" when you're rejected.

Deb -- In this case, it certainly doesn't sound like *you're* overreacting. A month is a long time not to hear back about big news such as an engagement. In general, though, I have noticed that the stereotype really does seem to hold true that female friends often tend to get into fights over almost comically trivial minutia that guys usually wouldn't even notice. It would be actually be really funny if it didn't hurt so much.

(Yes, I'm a guy, but this observation is backed up by evidence obtained during my many years of service as a trusty venting platform for all my female buddies who outnumber my male friends at least 3-to-1. I can't get a date to save my life, but thankfully I still get a healthy dose of female energy in my diet to keep me sane.)

My point? I'm quite sure that you didn't do anything to warrant having your engagement announcement dissed. It sounds most likely that Little T has taken some perceived slight by you (not returning her call within X number of minutes/hours after she'd left a non-emergency message, insulting her favorite brand of lip gloss while on a shopping excursion...who knows?) and spun it into some big, silly, 1000-ft-tall-Stay-Puf-Marshmallow-Man-tearing-down-the-city type of problem in her mind. I've seen it before, I'll see it again, and it just really bums me out that you gals can be so mean to each other sometimes...

p.s. -- Heather, if I hadn't heard so many stories similar to Deb's from my legion of gal pals, I would agree with you completely. In actuality, though, I think your perspective is very atypical for a woman. Your relationship with your best friend sounds exactly like the way I relate to some of my best male friends. A perfect example is my friend Devin who invited me to play a major role in his wedding because he considers me to be one of his most compatible, longtime friends even though we have barely talked once a year for the last several years...

A co-worker & I were discussing this topic last week.

I've been on both sides of it, being the dumper & being dumped. I hate being the dumper, but when it's something I have to do, I try to at least tell the girlfriend why I'm dumping her, it's only fair.

Oh, one more piece of evidence: One of my female friends did just tell me the other day that she considers periods of non-communication from her friends to actually be a form of punishment. With that in mind, I can easily see how awkwardness and resentment would build up quickly.

I'm more of a friend-dumper than -dumpee (just as I'm more of a man-dumper than -dumpee). I think the reason why I ditch girlfriends, when I do, has to do with some calculus involving maintainence level required divided by quality of intimacy experienced. Basically, if I feel I have to call her a lot and return calls & listen to long soliloquies about her problems/boyfriends/etc, and yet I don't feel we're actually close or sharing on a deeper level, I write her off as more effort than she's worth. I know that sounds awfully callous, but I'd rather have one or two deep friendships than several light girlfriends, and that's just the way I am.

But to clarify, just because I don't achieve intimacy with every friend doesn't mean there's anyone "wrong" with [her], or that I don't like her or don't care to know her - the chemistry's just not there, much like in dating.

the reason there is a hole in the ozone is that most of my girl friends vanished into thin air through that very hole. I had a "best" friend who moved, changed her phone number and didn't tell me. I'm still trying to work that one out.

I don't know your friend, but do you think she might be the teensiest bit jealous? Nothing wrecks a friendship like a friend thinking you've passed her on the road to happiness freeway. Just a thought, since I've been on both sides of that freeway.

Is the juice worth the sqeeze? I hate dumping or being dumped by girlfriends. It makes you feel so prepubesent. I think it's worse than getting dumped by a guy because there is no physical attraction. You are friends with girls strickly on an emotional connection. That's why it's that much more painful and that much more of a "what's the matter with me" moment when it happens.

Ohhhh, I hear you on this topic. I have a long line of ex-friends and ex-best-friends, and it makes me sad and tired. I'm so tired of people drifting off for one reason or another. And I'm about to lose more friends this year to moving to boot. You just know once someone leaves the area, the chances of the friendship going kablooey are 50/50...

I'm so tired of it. I know there's that "Wheel" song that you might run into them again, but I never do, and once they're gone, they're gone, and it sucks.

Frienemies are the worst.

I'm with EJ on this. If a friendship constantly requires you to make an effort inordinately larger than what the other partner is exerting, or if she's putting in the effort and you can't be bothered, that should be the end. I've ended many female friendships, and all through the fadeaway, I admit. I'm a coward.

I'm actually still sort of in a friendship now that really should end. She's demanding when she's around, and then she'll vanish for months (I literally haven't heard from her in over a month and we used to speak every day) without a word and be dismissive of my attempts to contact her. I get it: she's just not that into me. It's just that she's done this before, and last time, she told me that she thought I was mad at her and that's why I was the one not calling her.

I keep waiting for the phone to ring, and for her voice to accuse me of being the bad friend. This is my merry-go-round.

Sorry to hear about this. =/

What about getting dumped by roommates? That's awkward too..(just happened to me).

Splits from girl friends:
In some cases, the glue that held us together faded away and we were both ready to move on. We really bonded over coffees and long talks about boyfriends who were treating us like crap at the time. She met another guy who treated her great, and that became her life. Plus, I think our friendship just reminded her of crying over the old guy.

Other cases were annoyingly highschool-esque, one friend hooked up with the object of my affection, another friend was the Angelina Jolie of my longterm relationship, touchy-feely with my boyfriend in front of me but then telling me I shouldn't feel "threatened".

In another case, I'm still ashamed about how I distanced myself from a friend who went through a severe bout of depression right when I was in the thick of college. I chose to focus on my studies and didn't make time for her. She's okay now. We see each other occasionally but I still feel like crap for not having been there for her.

One of my best friends invited me on a weekend girls' trip with a whole bunch of her old college pals, I was looking forward to it, but when we got there, she literally didn't talk to me the whole entire time. Neither did her friends. On the ride home, she was suddenly my best friend again.

If I think of my friends for life, I would say that we can let months go by (I don't live in the same town as them) and when we get in touch, there's no need to apologize for the time gone by, we just pick up where we left off. These are the best friends.

I can COMPLETELY understand this. I lost a friend because she got married and she suddenly had no patience for me anymore because her husband felt I was a lost cause. I've always tried to write it off as she wasn't really my friend if she listened to him over herself but it doesn't hurt any less.

I think it's far worse than being dumped by a guy - those are often replaceable eventually but she and I were so close I never would have guessed we'd now not be friends. I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding! It was an unexpected shock to lose her friendship and be forced to only guess at the reasons why. And what's more, distance and perspective don't resolve it. After almost a year I still miss her madly. Yeah... I totally understand what you mean.

As a cautionary note, when I moved away to a new job a friend stopped replying to emails. (We were more "email penpals" than phonecallers).

A few months later, I was collecting reference letters for a grant and there were a few stragglers towards the deadline, so I sent out a reminder email. Weeks later, I got the last letter in the mail, along with a post-it note saying "I hope this is okay, because I never got your email back answering the questions I had asked about the grant". Uh... what email with questions?

Turns out, my new job had a totally tight email filter program and when I asked around, turns out there had been a lot of messages (from parents, from friends, from family) that I hadn't gotten ("we just thought you were really busy at the new job).

Turns out, my original friend had tried to write back.

Isn't it funny, though, how with women friends, we really read into things. "Well, she didn't reply, I'll send out one more note, but after that, the ball is in her court and I'm not writing anymore, cause obviously she's trying to tell me something, etc etc etc". I think our instincts are 99% correct, but this was one case where I wasn't correct.

You know, this is not just a "woman thing." (I hate that phrase!) Many years ago I had a close friend; we were inseparable. We came from different cultures; He was Chinese, and for those of you who know, I am Jewish. He was also about 10 years older than I. That said, we bonded on so much more of a deeper essence. We were like the brothers that neither of us had. In any case, I then met my wife to be, and I think he felt a little threatened. I wanted him to be my "best man," but the rabbi would not allow a non-Jewish person on the bima (how archaic - I would never give in to that today ... I think I did just for my father-in-law.) Bottom line: our relationship gradually faded, and I have searched far and wide for him. I think he has returned to Hong Kong (if he is still alive), but not being fluent in Chinese, I have no way of finding him. Even our mutual friends have disappeared.

I don't agonize over whose "fault" this is. Obviously, his feeling of dimunition in our relationship, and my redirection of my time and attention were both factors. I do however feel the void, and having no way to find him makes it that much more painful.

So, this issue transcends woman-woman and male-male relationships.

Thanks to my daughter for starting this discussion. It has helped me to reconcile some of my feelings.

This rings so true to me. I have never dumped a girlfriend (or a boyfriend, for that matter)and no matter how crappily they treat me I still can't get it through my thick skull that these "friends" aren't worth the time, effort and heartbreak I put into them. Nevertheless, stung is what I feel and if I think about it too much, continue to feel waaaaaaaaaaaaay after the fact. I'm sorry that your friend couldn't take 2 seconds (because come ON...who is that busy to type - Congrats, I'll call you soon - in an email?) to wish you congratulations. Luckily you have the internet full of strangers to take on such responsibilites. :-)

hi,

i'm a long time lurker, but this post was just too timely for me to resist.

last night i just dumped a friend. she was not a close friend by any means, but after her recent behaviour, i think even a distant friendship would possibly be too much to handle.

on wednesday night she came down from manchester to stay with me for one night in london. not only did she come empty-handed, but she complained about the orange juice that i offered her (it was made from concentrate) but still drank glasses of it.

anyway, last night i went with her and another friend of hers to a sushi bar. since i am on a diet, i did not eat much, nor did i drink any wine (as they did). when the bill came, of course, they didn't even offer to pay a little more and the bill ended up to be £15 each. at that stage, she pulled out her wallet and said to me "elaine, can i give you a tenner?". i didn't quite understand what she meant, so i asked her to explain. she then said, "well, you're rich and i'm poor, so do you think you could cover the rest of my meal?" i replied, "gemma, how about i let you stay at my house for free instead?"

i left her at the tube station with a "maybe i'll see you around sometime".

oh and btw, as we were getting up from the table, she picked up my half empty glass of mineral water and drank it.

and who says the english aren't classy?

i don't think i'll miss her.

great topic - I just threw away a three page letter from a friend. I had kept it for years - it was professing to be sorry for the misunderstandings between us but somehow managed to detail my flaws, told me that she felt pity for me, and patronizingly abjured me to "at least TRY to stop looking to me for approval." The girl hadn't even met my eyes for months before this letter came out of the blue. I absolutely did not believe it was a genuine effort to mend our friendship. We've run into each other since and she's never brought it up (she has to know how insulting it was), and we have barely exchanged words since. I'm not sure why I kept it for years, except as proof of what a skewed view she had and how mean she really had been. good riddance, I can now say with a clear head.