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the nightmare before vegas
The Nightmare Before Christmas is about two worlds created entirely in the service of single-day events: Christmasland is nothing but elfs, stockings, big fat men in red suits, toys, candy canes and garland, garland, garland; Halloweentown is all bats, ghouls, goblins, jack-o-lanterns, Devil’s Night pranks, and girls put together by creepy men with bad intentions and old sewing machines. This weekend, when I innocently went to visit a bunch of potential wedding reception sites, I was certain that I had actually stepped into a Tim Burton-esque parallel universe called Weddingland.
Weddingland’s cast of characters is slim, mostly people called “Event Planners” and “Catering Hall Managers,” who spend their entire lives in such towns, and are so engrossed in the local language and customs that they appear to outside visitors as unnerving shells of humans draped in aged tuxedos with permanently-affixed boutonnières on their lapels. They speak in thirty-five minute spiels about the fairytale-likeness of their hall, and should you have the poor judgment to interrupt their speech with a specific question, they lose place and must go back to the beginning. (Not recommended.) The remaining members of the company? A silent Groom-to-be (I believe that these places are designed to silence grooms. We were even told how unusual it was that we brought ours along.), a Bride-to-be who has had this day mapped out long before there was ever a real, actual person in the Groom-to-be’s seat, and of course, her Daddy’s big and bottomless checkbook (presence of Daddy not actually required).
Every hall in Weddingland appears to be pressed from the same wretched mold. It is assumed that you would not consider gracing a room in your Vera Wang with anything less than four artificial white pillars (some a convenient half-height so you can place floral arrangements atop), miles of patterned carpet, six arched “picture” windows, 200 fabric-covered chairs with giant bows on the back – coordinated to the table linens, dozens of brass sconces, chandeliers-a-plenty, four mirrored walls to increase the appearance of the room’s size, and one faux-wood dance floor clumsily nailed on a section of carpet – so it all comes standard issue.
I believe I blacked out after the second hall – I was already well my capacity to absorb such key phrases as: “circular driveway perfect for a carriage,” “your announced entrance,” “bridal salon with complimentary non-alcoholic beverages and space enough to bustle,” “white baby grand piano,” “white-gloved service,” “pressed linens in twelve optional colors,” “silk flowers but would you believe that nobody can tell the difference,” “all of our waiters speak English,” “premium liquor for a small additional fee,” “optional raw seafood or martini-cocktail-with-decorative-ice-sculpture bar,” and my personal favorite, “Kosher-style”. (Kosher-SYLE? Um, sir, we don’t believe in meals that don’t involve bacon and at least one form of shellfish.) – and it’s just as well because it saved me the trouble of doing so again when they announce their “reasonable” price of just the down payment on a Manhattan apartment, two kidneys, and your soul – which, by the way, does not include the florist, photographer, videographer, hair, makeup, tux rentals, smelling salts, or Valium.
P.S. You can file this post under “Last Words Incoherently Rambled Before Flying off to Vegasland for a Late-Night Visit to the Drive Through Chapel of Take The Money And Run.”
comments (30)
Oh brother. I've heard what a fiasco the planning of a wedding can be. I've not yet had to deal with it myself.
There's a place here in San Diego that hosts weddings and the average price for flowers is $30K. You could landscape an entire yard for half that. Ridiculously expensive industry.
Good luck with the planning!
1 | Julie | January 10, 2005 03:59 PM
Geez! Is this what I have to look forward to? I'm thinking the Anti-Bride Guide my fiance and I saw at the bookstore is going to be a good idea.
(Love your blog! I stumbled across it only a few days before I proposed and I thought your post on the proposal, and subsequent iPod purchase were great.)
2 | anonymouscoworker | January 10, 2005 04:03 PM
i really lost it when you mentioned the "complimentary NON ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES." run away, fast.
3 | sarah | January 10, 2005 04:24 PM
Congratulations! I just got married in September and I can't help wishing that I'd just had a small destination wedding instead. It's so much money and so much work and then it's over. Poof! Good luck though making it your own! (Watch out for the "bride vortex" on-line!)
4 | andrea | January 10, 2005 04:38 PM
You brought back the not so fun memories of my own wedding planning last year. Good luck with that!
ps. I forgot to mention in my email today that I too loved the inscription on the iPod.
5 | Tammi | January 10, 2005 04:43 PM
Ugh - I too, recently married (May), recoiled in horror at my one-way-ticket to Weddingland. You haven't yet reached the gift shop, full of horridly lacy, precious-moments-esque, cheap frilly guestbooks/pens/favors/unity candles/flowergirl baskets/ring bearer pillows/must-have-bridesmaid gifts of engraved schlock and All for the low, low price of your left arm!
Woof. Glad to be past that part.
Don't put your name and address on ANYTHING in weddingland or very very soon you'll have more mail and phone calls than you ever cared to deal with. And you'll probably win some fantastic china and/or honeymoon of your dreams if you'll just sit through a 9-hour hard-core sales presentation on the most expensive knives you'll ever (try not to) own.
Bitter? Moi?
6 | susannah | January 10, 2005 04:53 PM
Ugh. And try your damndest not to buy a wedding dress on a Saturday without an appointment.
7 | susannah | January 10, 2005 04:55 PM
I'm in the thick of it myself... which is why I decided to get married on a high school campus in upcountry Maui. Wedding halls are very scary places, and wedding planning makes me reel (I too proposed a trip to Vegas, and my mom said she'd kill me).
8 | a.march | January 10, 2005 05:19 PM
Tried the formal wedding route, wife and I chickened out. We came up with a simple, but fun plan, go to Vegas forget to tell anyone... Have the most tacky wedding possible, and let me tell you it is, and then return and throw a massive reception. Actually told the guests it was a wedding, but showed them the video, had a great laugh and proceeded to get down to the fun.
Simple fun, and saves the money for the party...
9 | TXMatt | January 10, 2005 05:26 PM
The ex and I both agreed that we should have eloped then had a big reception upon our return. No muss, no fuss, and still plenty of alcohol.
PS - Has Alex recovered from and vowed never to attend another planning session?
10 | Howard | January 10, 2005 05:26 PM
We just got engaged December 3rd and we thought by going off to Texas (far away from my mothers San Diego homebase - yep, she a FULL TIME wedding planner - we'd be free from wedding land. Oh no, we're engulfed in it. This wedding is becoming the little wedding that could. People in the bridal industry are...enthusiastic about their work. My fiance and I wanted something simple - that reflected us - the planning is going to drive us crazy.
11 | KVB | January 10, 2005 05:29 PM
People in New York are supposed to be too cool for reception halls... don't give in, think urban restaurant instead...
12 | Ms Mincemeat | January 10, 2005 05:35 PM
*delurking*
Just got married in October in New England. Really, when it all came down to it - the food (which is cheaper when you find a hall WITH that provides food, rather than hall and separate caterer) and the photographer were the only things we spent a lot of money on, and they ended up being the best parts of the entire wedding, for us and the guests alike.
K
13 | k | January 10, 2005 05:39 PM
Ahhh...join the club. I am in the thick of it and now its too late to back out and elope. Seriously consider it. The guilt alone I will have at what this will all cost will kill me, surely. I am a "shopper" so I tortured myself and saw, count 'em, 20 places in person (not counting the hundreds I looked at in that stupid Locations magazine) before I chose one. If you do decide to go for it, and want to comiserate, I'm in.
14 | Cristina | January 10, 2005 07:50 PM
I'm with Sarah. If there's space in bridal salon for "bustle room" (which, I confess, sounds pretty cool) then there's space for a mini-bar.
15 | Dani | January 10, 2005 08:15 PM
Hilarious. I think we all know that exchanging bustle space for a mini-bar will not be neccessary because I will have a flask of high-end bouron delicately tucked under my garter, a la Ms. Sarah Brown.
As for it being un-cool for New Yorkers to go to wedding halls, it's actually part of the appeal for me. I mean, does it really get any better than the JERSEY SHORE? (My favorite restaurant, in Asbury Park just a stone's throw from the old carousel, sadly doesn't hold enough people.)
Oh, and wedding dresses: Can anyone tell me one good reason why I can't just wear this?
16 | deb | January 10, 2005 08:28 PM
Re wedding dress
There are no good reasons why you can't wear that dress if you like it.
Of course the wedding industry will try convince you otherwise because that's how they make the money- telling you you NEEEEEEED a dress covered in hand-made lace, and matching lace fingerless gloves for all the bridesmaids, and tiny bags of sugared almonds.
The only thing you HAVE to do is invite the people you want, show up and have fun.
17 | Jo | January 10, 2005 09:20 PM
hey deb, that was actually going to be my dress - it was on backorder, but managed to come in december, not march like they told me, and it looked odd on me, so i'm going with alternate plans (awesome designer in brooklyn). so i suggest ordering it and trying it on - you can just return it to the local store if you don't like it.
18 | dahl | January 11, 2005 12:55 AM
I know someone who got that dress for her upcoming wedding. You could definitely wear it. You can wear what you want, but I know...expectations.
19 | Tammi | January 11, 2005 07:21 AM
Hey... I recently survived planning my NYC wedding -- if you're set on a wedding hall, go for it, but we had an amazing party at Candela Restaurant just off of Union Square (& it was reasonably priced -- at least by nyc standards)... everyone had a blast and it's gorgeous -- not the least bit weddinghalleque... good luck and if you want more info, email me :)
20 | Heather | January 11, 2005 08:11 AM
i think the dress is very pretty. it's got far more elegance and style than those tacky dresses with tons of lace, sequins, taffeta, and countless little bows which must serve some kind of purpose other than just decorative.
21 | writersbloc gal | January 11, 2005 08:17 AM
Your wedding, so do whatever the hell you want. (Ours was small and simple, and we wouldn't have done it any other way). Besides, the less money you spend on unnecessary plastic objects, the more you can spend on your honeymoon...
(Oh, and if you end up running away to Vegas, you have to try The Lotus of Siam.)
22 | Neil | January 11, 2005 09:03 AM
hey.
www.indiebride.com.
:)
23 | liz | January 11, 2005 11:30 AM
Go to Vegas, spend the money on the month long honeymoon in Australia or Fiji. :)
24 | Katherine | January 11, 2005 02:15 PM
If I get married there are two options: by the waterfall at a friend's mountain house, or the Little White Chapel. To hell with all the preparations! (I say this now after a breakup, but maybe later I'll want the whole weddding in a church, with 5 flower girls, and seventeen bridesmaids, etc).
25 | panajane | January 11, 2005 03:00 PM
Tomorrow is my anniversary. Six years. We got married in a carpet store owned by a retired Judge. When my sister got married last summer and I was spending every weekend being hauled around from one weddingland to another trying on endless corset-top-waist-cinching-no-breathing-through-the-whole-reception dresses, I was so glad for that carpet store. Do your best friends a favor and elope. There's no sense in starting your life together in debt.
26 | alisha | January 11, 2005 05:43 PM
Quote: There's no sense in starting your life together in debt.
Amen to that, Alisha!
27 | Melissa | January 11, 2005 06:01 PM
7 years ago I got married with a months planning, a $3k budget and 25 close family and friends. 25 is plenty, a good size party and lots of fun.
I started to have seizures about it when I was told by one caterer "that's not how you do a wedding". But yes it is, we did and we had a ball. Find people outside Weddingland to supply you with what you need and keep it small. It's about your wedding, not creating a great event to watch on the video later. As a guest I am always bored at those huge production weddings, wiating for the next part of the production and not feeling part of it.
28 | Nicole | January 11, 2005 10:22 PM
And people keep wondering why Manuel and I have been engaged for over a year and have not set a date. Everything you described: That's why! Maybe Jocelyn will let us use the Barbie Dream Loft. I'm quite sure they don't have tateful linens in 12 colors and the only fee for premium alcohol is your dignity.
ah aha hahahaha
29 | Alexis | January 12, 2005 03:16 PM
But I was hoping for the Hotel California!
30 | deb | January 12, 2005 03:33 PM