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meet, The Beast™
About a year ago, Alex and I were eating sushi when we stumbled into a cautiously guarded conversation about what we imagined our wedding might be like. You know, someday and maybe. I said that I was uncomfortable with the concept of bridesmaids; I love my friends and do not wish to make them wear dresses that match the table linens, and that if I were to have any, I’d keep the number down to the essentials, like my sister and my best friend.
Alex looked at me with those sad little-boy eyes and said, “Just two? But who will carry your train?” And I looked back at him, ready to break into cackling, mocking laughter until I saw that he was quite earnest in his request.
“My train?”
“You’re not going to have a train?”
“Do you think I am the type who is going to look like one of those cake top figurines, all princess and poofy?”
“Um, is ‘no’ the right answer?”
“I just can’t imagine wearing one of those taffeta sculptures; maybe just a white sundress or something, and for fuckssake, NO TIARA.”
But, Alex must have been onto something, something cruel and shocking, because this weekend between packing and moving and unpacking again, I somehow found myself in New Jersey purchasing A Dress. The Dress. It’s white. Beaded. Weighs about ten pounds. It poofs. Has a very long train. And people, people I can’t believe I am saying this, but… it BUSTLES. (Is it too later to order six more bridesmaids? Know any out-of-work actresses?)
I don’t know how it happened; it was quite literally a white blur. One moment I was in a dressing room at David’s Bridal rejecting their supplied “slip”, a contraption so hideous and terrifying that it actually stood up on it’s own when I threw it off. The next second the sales assistant was coming at me with a massive snowball of synthetic materials, saying “reach through and swim for the surface!”
That’s right, you actually have to swim for the surface. These things take no prisoners.
And all the ladies aaah-ed. (Apparently, these things have some effect on people.) And I… I really liked it, but not ready to make a decision, I rushed back to the dressing room to swim for a different surface. The sound was like this: thump, thump, thump-thump-THWACK “Oww!” Yeah, you can’t run in these things, especially when they need to be shortened over a foot and the train, well let’s just say that the train was still in the other room.
Less than ten dresses and one store later, we were back for the kill, and I am now the mostly-proud owner of a dress so massive, so full of bridal gaga and matrimonial promise, so bustle-friendly and bead-clad, so white and intense, it will henceforth be referred to as none other than:
The Beast™.
Notes:
1. The picture is an approximation; the actual one is less v-ed, less striped, and the broad is less blonde.
2. The dress cost $370. (It’s the last one, ever.) Be jealous, be horrified, be what you will; but I am, for one, proud.
3. The naming of a wedding dress “The Beast” is actually the original work of my best friend, in reference to the first, er, dress for which she bridesmaid-ed.
There will, however, be no effin tiara.
comments (28)
It's beautiful!
1 | muffy | February 24, 2005 03:52 PM
Umm, isn't it bad luck for the groom to see the dress before the wedding? coupled with the Year of the Cock and this is going to be one dramatic wedding.
2 | jocelyn | February 24, 2005 04:01 PM
holy cow!! I, too, am getting married, and I, too, am wholly surprised at my choosing the poofiest, beadiest dress at david's bridal. I'm surprised you got out of there without a tiara though——when I told the saleslady to please NOT put that tiara on me, she said, "okay, but without a tiara, you're just a girl in a white dress." uh. . yeah. so, congrats on finding your dress!
3 | katie | February 24, 2005 04:18 PM
so stinkin' gorgeous. and that's saying something because i typically gag at anything that resembles a wedding gown. ;)
4 | meegan | February 24, 2005 04:53 PM
That's lovely. And what a steal. I paid $500 for mine and counted myself lucky, particularly when I got home to find the groom had purchased a $1600 television that very day. (Needless to say we've gotten a lot more use out of the TV.)
5 | Anonymous | February 24, 2005 05:45 PM
At least you only have ONE dress. The bride at my wedding at four. One for the ceremony with the mayor, one for the ceremony with the guy from her religion, one for thr cocktail and dinner, and one, well, just for me.
I never figured out how she managed all the change of costumes, but if rockstars can do it on stage during concerts...
6 | Mathieu | February 24, 2005 05:45 PM
The dress looks beautiful!
I said no veil and the ladies at David's Bridal told me the same thing they told Katie only they added I would look like I was going to prom (that was SO eleven years ago!) and no one would know I was the bride. Since none of our guests are strangers, I think they'll get that I'm the one getting married.
They put a veil on me and I decided I might as well wear one. And the tiara...I said no to that too, but I found some that look like flower halo's. I'm thinking about it.
7 | Sunshine(kvb) | February 24, 2005 05:55 PM
And here I imagined you in a simple, white slip dress with subtle fanciness, not unlike the one Charlotte on "Sex and the City" wore for her second wedding. I have to say that I'm a little disappointed! And jealous. I am so wearing a tiara when I get married. I've been waiting my whole life for a reasonable excuse to wear one!
8 | colleen | February 24, 2005 09:48 PM
The funny thing is that I had been totally obsessed with trying on this one because it reminded me of that second wedding dress Charlotte had, but then they didn't have it in stock and I got distracted by other, more poofy, frocks.
9 | deb | February 24, 2005 10:37 PM
Well, I'm sure you'll still be a beautiful bride, even if there are poofs involved! As long as there are no bows on the butt, of course.
10 | colleen | February 24, 2005 11:22 PM
Beautiful. But will there be a tiara? And not that I'm expecting anything, but I just wanted to let you know that there are some who would consider me out of work, and I do have a bridesmaid dress in my closet. Three more at my parents' house in New Jersey, so just say the word and I can step in at a moment's notice.
Just think, the program can read:
Esther Kustanowitz, blogger friend of the bride and groom for approximately five minutes, who had a dress in her closet.
11 | Esther | February 25, 2005 12:17 AM
I had a friend back in Ireland who called something else by the name of "The Beast". I don't think I should say any more about that.
12 | michael | February 25, 2005 03:05 AM
Have you by any chance read Hypocrite In a Pouffy White Dress? Don't read it just for the part about her trip to David's Bridal, but that is a funny chapter and very apropos for you right now.
13 | devon | February 25, 2005 09:19 AM
Did you utter the words of Toula Portokalos (Big Fat Greek Wedding) and say "I look like a snow beast?"
Congratulations! I too find that the more I get into this wedding thing, the more traditional my choices become...its very weird
14 | Cristina | February 25, 2005 10:24 AM
(whisper)
I actually think a nice tiara can be quite fetching on a beautiful bride.
15 | aliastaken | February 25, 2005 10:39 AM
Because if you're going to do it, you had might as well GO ALL OUT!!!
Congrats on the beast, Deb. You will be beautiful in it.
16 | Julie | February 25, 2005 11:10 AM
Can I tell you how happy I am that you are not one of those brides that's all "Noooo! I can't show you a picture of my dress! What if my my fiance sees??!!" That coolness more than makes up for The Beast. ;-)
p.s. It's very pretty.
17 | Bond Girl | February 25, 2005 11:19 AM
Only $370?!?!
I just got married in November, and the dresses STARTED at $1200!
It sounds like you got a deal.
And OF COURSE it's very pretty. That's the whole idea.
18 | Lance | February 25, 2005 02:51 PM
I have to say, all brand snobbery aside, that there was nothing wrong with almost half the dresses at David's Bridal, and most of them fall around $700. I plan on having a little work done to mine (I don't like the embroidered flowers as the base), but I can afford to since we paid so little. Whee!
19 | deb | February 25, 2005 03:17 PM
Just say no to the tiara. I will fully back you up on that one! Maybe a scattering of little rhinestone pins, but no no no tiara.
What I said about becoming more traditional as the months wear on: I started out saying absolutely no veil, but whaddya know, I am wearing one--lent by a co-worker nonetheless.
20 | Cristina | February 25, 2005 04:12 PM
I hear you on that, but then I remember I'm not really 100% against tradition, just blind following. I too notice that this thing is getting more and more traditional as the process goes on, and yet I hardly have the energy at each stage of the game to reinvent the wheel.
Or, you know, I'm just a yuppie sellout.
21 | deb | February 25, 2005 04:51 PM
See, that's totally what I see myself doing someday... falling back on the classics not because I myself am traditional, but because I'm too lazy to be Super Unique at every turn. (Not that you're lazy. But I am.) I mean, in the end, if every detail of the wedding is purposefully non-traditional, it's basically just as bad as the pouf & circumstance, right?
22 | devon | February 25, 2005 05:39 PM
i found your site through krissa (le petit hiboux). your wedding dress is gorgeous, and perfectly stripey. :) (my own made me feel like a cake topper, and i got OUT of it and into some rayon floral thing as soon as decently possible after the ceremony and pictures and things.) have fun with the train - that should be fun. very princessy. as a bride should be on her wedding day.
23 | romy | February 25, 2005 07:36 PM
my handmade one from the dress designer in brooklyn is $250. i almost laughed when i heard the price!
24 | dahl | February 26, 2005 01:32 AM
No kidding! Kimera? I absolutely LOVED her dresses, and she was to be my next stop if we didn't find anything on Saturday. Great work! Are you having her do your bridemaids dresses, too?
25 | deb | February 26, 2005 10:20 AM
I LOVE IT!
Being a currently engaged lovely bride to be, just the thought of going to a David's Bridal dressing room and going through million's and million's of dresses makes me dizzy. So when I came across this journal entry.. I could not contain my laughter. Brillant.
26 | Tay | February 27, 2005 08:25 AM
Please do a post about what you choose as your 1st dance song. I am dying to know. We finally settled on Book of Love by Magnetic Fields--irreverant but still romantic!
27 | cristina | February 27, 2005 10:58 AM
Nice! My best friend ended up buying a very girly princessy dress with a tiara --something she swore was NOT, I repeat NOT going to happen. She also went to David's bridal and I helped her "swim" to the surface of about 1,000 dresses. I have never been so exhausted in my life.
She looked lovely though.
28 | akaellen | March 1, 2005 03:38 PM