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the kicker
I began my hunt for a new job nearly a year ago, and in that year, I have often likened my current place of employment to an ex. A lousy one; you know the one, don’t you? When you two met, you couldn’t believe your good fortune, it seemed you were a perfect fit and you stayed up talking every night for weeks, but slowly, maybe it was the way he lashed out at that cab driver who missed your building, or that thing, well, anything about his mother, you realized that maybe things weren’t exactly ideal any longer. And then more quickly, the things that weren’t ideal became the majority of things, but you still remembered all of those nights when you two had stayed up so late and you didn’t want to give up the idea that you could get back there, and so you stayed. And stayed. Eventually it got to the point where you two were so obviously wrong for each other, you were actually lowering your worth to stay with them, and your friends, they rolled their eyes every time you mentioned his name, and you finally realized it was time to break up with them. But by the time you did – six months later – the relationship had become so overcome with bitterness and mistakes for which you had decided not to forgive each other you found even the act of having to tell them a bother.
Well, maybe that’s just me; I always stay too long.
But here’s the kicker: you may know in your gut that this is the right choice, that it’s long overdue, and that you’ll be so much happier once you’ve cut the cord, but the there’s always this moment when you panic. “Maybe this is going to be a big mistake” and “maybe this new guy, though brimming with shiny newness and potential, is all wrong for me”. They’re halfway down the street when you call their cell phone, “Wait! I think we should try again! It’s really going to work this time! I’ll apologize to your mother!”
Um, by the way, that's not me. I would never do a thing like that.
Because change, even positive changes, are scary and on some base level we always resist trading the familiar for the unknown. My last day at my current job is Monday, my first day at the new job (and career) is Tuesday, and being that I’m essentially no longer here and not yet there, I’m admittedly freaking out a bit.
I mean, what the hell do I know about computers and editing and writing? What was I thinking?!!
comments (19)
we all fear change. Try it - if its bad collect a paycheck and jump again. Can it really be worse than where you were? I don't think so. It will all work out - this coming from a 4 job in 6.5 years. If its not good you just jump again.
1 | snowkatz | February 25, 2005 11:39 AM
You know more than you think. Your web site wouldn't be so popular if you didn't have your writing ducks in a row, so to speak. Deep breaths. This was meant to be.
2 | africankelli | February 25, 2005 12:20 PM
I fear change, too. In a few months I will be leaving home and all my family/friends to move in with my boyfriend, who lives in another state. I'm totally freaking out, and just want to stay in my comfortable, familiar place. But I know if I don't do this, I'll be very unhappy. Good luck at your new job!
3 | Milly | February 25, 2005 12:21 PM
A week into your new job and you will be wondering what all the fuss was about!
4 | michael | February 25, 2005 12:47 PM
OMG. I can't *believe* you apologized to his mother.
5 | Dupin | February 25, 2005 02:13 PM
There's a great book out there called Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway that I read a few years back. One of the best things I ever read to get me over the hump to try something new. Not that you'll need it, 'cause you've already done it! Good luck in your new job!
6 | Dating Dummy | February 25, 2005 02:25 PM
That whole entry about the relationship is pretty much where I am right now haha. You hit the nail PEFECTLY on the head for me.
7 | Heather | February 25, 2005 02:26 PM
Dupin, I must repent. Mimosas? Sunday? Chelsea?
8 | deb | February 25, 2005 02:37 PM
Somehow I wonder if the issue is not as much "fear of the unknown," but rather, fear of admitting that the time spent on the prior endeavor was a waste (of time, energy, education.....).
In fact, the latter may not be a fair assessment either, since life is a series of experiences, good and bad, from which we learn. Perhaps one should be profoundly proud that he/she has been courageous enough to sieze an opportunity for change before contributing more to an unhappy situation from which we have learned enough.
Don't look back. Stay focused on the future.
9 | SantaDad | February 25, 2005 02:46 PM
In this post you have captured the essence of my own job perfectly. Only I haven't left yet. And it's been a hell of a lot longer than six months since I decided to go.
Best wishes in your new endeavor! You'll do great! And if you don't, it will make wonderful fodder for your blog, right? ;)
10 | Jenny | February 25, 2005 02:48 PM
Yes, I'd much rather fail miserably but still have good blog-fodder. Wouldn't we all?
11 | deb | February 25, 2005 02:52 PM
If you need to speak geek, I'm the one you seek.
12 | Howard | February 25, 2005 07:00 PM
So accurate was your description of the failing relationship, I failed to read the rest. Something about your job, but honestly, I was stuck on how right you got the first part.
13 | aliastaken | February 25, 2005 08:21 PM
i put my two weeks notice in at my job on wednesday. i don't have a new job or a plan. but i did already get myself a non-company cell phone. and i thought of you when i was worried about city spooge on my nylons on the way to an interview. and another coincidence? my boyfriend and i just moved into our new apartment, which i had to charm and impress an old ukranian woman to get. but i like her now. and i want to see her roof garden. i might be your philadelphia counterpart.
14 | karen | February 25, 2005 08:52 PM
Wow, you just perfectly described the way all of my past relationships (and, I'm sure most peoples') came and went so perfectly! I've been reading your blog for ages now and this post reminds me why.
15 | Aly | February 26, 2005 01:40 AM
I have to say - that description of a relationship was absolutely totally accurate. I have just ended one for exactly those reasons, and I was so gutted. We split up the day before Valentine's (classic timing!). The difference is that this one was on a fast-track. We only lasted 4 months, and the last two weren't great. And it was him that had trouble with his mother - I thought she was fab (she thought I was fab too!).
The thing that was saddest was that it happened and it felt like neither of us wanted it to, but we both felt like we had no choice. I suppose if we had let it run its course all the way to bitterness, I wouldn't have felt so down about it, but then I would've lost a friend as well as a lover.
16 | petulah | February 26, 2005 08:23 AM
Wow - congratulations! Make sure you have fallback lunch plans on the first day. Maybe the second one, too. That's always the worst part of a new job for me, anyway.
Good luck!
17 | Georgia Jones | February 26, 2005 12:52 PM
congrats.. my last day on my current job is also on monday -- then we'll see. i might be unemployed for awhile... but the liberation i'll feel come monday - will be priceless!! i'm sure your new job will be tons better!
18 | writersbloc gal | February 26, 2005 02:58 PM
Congratulations! I'm sure your new job will be just fine. I jumped ship back in July. The new job is OK...not the same crap as the old place, but not as interesting or exciting. They're nicer to me and give me more money. but I've realized that it's not what I want. I need more. And your relationship comparison is right on. The old job...while comfortable and familiar, well, there are just too many things wrong there that I can't go back, I WONT go back... but this new place, with it's shiny newness...well...the shiny is gone and now it's just dull.
Time to begin my search anew.
19 | Pattie | February 27, 2005 06:47 PM