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my first boyfriend wasn't much to speak of.
I remember that I was nine-years-old, away at summer camp, and suddenly I was “going out” with a boy named Josh.
Even then, the details of how I had gone and gotten myself a boyfriend befuddled me. One minute, at the mid-session dance, I had sat outside on the steps by myself, feeling awkward in that way that nine-year-old girls always do. The next minute, a boy had asked me to dance, which I did not then and still now do not know how to do. (As it turned out, this was no issue, as “slow dancing” at summer camp consisted of putting your stiffly-outstretched hands on boy’s shoulder while he placed his on the area where you might grow hips one day, and the two of you stepped back and forth until the interminable Chicago came to a welcome close.) Walking me back to my bunk, he asked me if I wanted to “go out” and I, not able to think of a better answer, said “sure, but don’t get all mushy on me.”
The next day his counselor goofed off with mine, giving my bunkmates and I piggy-back rides when Josh came up to me and said that now I was “his girl” he didn’t think it was right for me to be getting piggy-back rides from boys. I remember being consumed with an icky-feeling rage, though not fully understanding it, I instead avoided him like the plague for the last week and a half of camp.
The following summer, my camp boyfriend wasn’t much better, asking the girl he’d decided to date next to dump me for him. The following two were a blur, each relationship lasting an average of 16 hours. When I was thirteen, boyfriend number four and I bonded over our mutual vegetarianism until he decided in the second week of camp that he missed hamburgers. His next girlfriend was blond-haired with big blue eyes, tan, burger-eating, and seriously underweight. I considered this a fluke in male judgment, but later came to understand that not only was it this way now, it would always be.
Boyfriend number five was a complete tool, not to mention an upperclassman that my parents didn’t approve of; our parting was of little sorrow. My mother asked about boyfriend six, a senior in an hour-away high school, for years after he broke up with me for greener and more university-aged pastures. Seven through twenty blur together now, but their notable behaviors can be categorized roughly as: mother issues, gay-but-didn’t-know-it-yet, too good for my disinterest, Victorian notions of female roles, mother issues, and dumped me over IM.
People ask how I know Alex is “the one”, like its some cosmic connection, like it was a difficult choice to be with the nicest boy I’ve ever met. But, in thinking about it, my rules haven’t much changed: no emaciated blondes, no mommy issues or Victorian notions, and if you get too damned mushy on me – whisking me off to Paris and getting down on one knee, buying me flowers even when there’s no good reason, and indulging my cooing about overpriced jewelry notwithstanding – the deal is off.
comments (10)
Hi...don't think I've ever commented on your sight. I was just wondering, what do you mean by "mommy issues?"
1 | Iris Gonzalez | May 10, 2005 11:12 PM
I'm speaking roughly of an unhealthy relationship with their mothers and a need to have all women in their lives fill some semblance of that "mommy" role. Think Freud or just... a big ol'Man-Child.
2 | deb | May 11, 2005 08:40 AM
The "mommy issue" I always run into is that they want me to take care of every little detail for them - cook, clean, laundry, etc.
...And yet, we *both* work full time jobs, so why should I be the only one responsible for all those extra duties? He can take care of his own laundry and do a little cooking and cleaning once in a while in my opinion!
3 | Melissa | May 11, 2005 10:59 AM
I remember giving a semi-boyfriend a "Congratulations on getting confirmed" kiss on the CHEEK and he stepped back and said, "Oh my god, my mother is going to kill me because you kissed me."
Then, I couldn't CALL him because his mother couldn't know he had a girlfriend.
Now THOSE are some examples of mommy issues.
4 | muffy | May 11, 2005 11:29 AM
Great theme, and love reading your humor. Thanks for making me smile.
5 | Heidi | May 11, 2005 12:35 PM
wow... bf #1 took his role pretty seriously. you should have just kicked his sand-castle over.
6 | freydo | May 11, 2005 01:29 PM
i almost wish i had a bunch of interesting boyfriend stories. mine are just something like: he liked me more, i liked him more, rinse/wash/repeat a few times, an uber christian, a general bum, and then "the one"
7 | kate | May 11, 2005 03:30 PM
Oy. Does this comment box have a space limit? Because I could RANT about the complete and total idiocy of my previous boyfriends. (Obviously they are idiots are we would be together today, wouldn't we?) Great writing Deb. I am so glad you've found happiness with Alex. ;)
8 | Africankelli | May 11, 2005 04:51 PM
way to stick to your guns
9 | Master Foley | June 2, 2005 10:34 AM
Hello! ok so almost 14 and im finally into a real first relation ship with a guy who coincedantly asked me out for the summer while we are at camp together. I found your story sooo much like my own. a guy asked me out last year at camp, but not knowing wat 'going out' meant i was all for it. first time he called me his girlfriend i was outa there. but he wasnt my bf. i didnt even hug him never the less kiss so there is my first experiance. it took two weeks be4 i said goodbye. So im (almost) 14, never had a bf, and never have had a first kiss. it is nice (sry) to know that someone else has gone through the same stuff. with this new guy, I dont know him that well and im afraid of the first kiss an everythin. cross your fingers for me...i hope this summer works out.
Vicki
(P.S Please email me back with any advice and please dont post this on your website.. im too shy lol no not really but its kinda embarassing to have ma first bf at 14)
10 | Vicki | June 10, 2005 02:11 AM