How old are you now? Are you kidding? Hire a housekeeper. Who cleans bathtubs? honestly. I will give you Susie's phone number.......

love this post - just LOVE it! it's always the little things ...

i'm sure you know this already, but alex is a keeper ;-)

Joc - I've been going through this faux-Buddhist phase where I think it's important and grounding to clean one's own dirt. For the love of god, I hope it doesn't last much longer.

wg - Which is too bad, because a lot of people want to borrow him after this post. Nya, nya.

You know, in a similar act of love (because I am that awesome), I am the bathroom cleaner in our marriage because even though I know Stuart would do it happily and uncomplainingly, it is a VERY small bathroom and Stuart is not a very small guy, he's 6'2". But meanwhile, I have not taken out the trash even the one time since we got married. Not even ONCE. Okay, maybe once when he was sick.

J does the bathrooms, I do the kitchen. We have it all worked out :-)

I'm sitting here, thinking ... trying to recall whether Deb suffered from this compulsion when she lived here. As for Alex: I've got a little mildew on the bottom line of grout in the shower ... have to dig it out and regrout, unless of course.......

If my husband would even THINK about cleaning the tub, I would think it was hot. Hear that honey? It would be HOT if you cleaned the tub...or the stove...or...

I'll send you real Colorado Beer brewed with Rocky Mountain Spring Water or wine from the sweetest Colorado Grapes (and yes we have wineries here--one with OSB Monks even!!) if you send your wonderful husband here for one weekend. Possibly less since my house is exceptionally small. I am STILL finding dirt that isn't mine in here in places I never thought it would exist... And would someone PLEASE explain to me how it is that though I'm RARELY here (work and school do that) clutter and dirt still appear? I'm not here, therefore they should not be either--seems logical to me!

And Deb, would you have Alex send Brad a note and tell him that helping the anal retentive people like us will be rewarded in heaven?

I have this terrible sickness that that I don't mind cleaning my house with my husband just sitting on his bottom....but then all of the sudden I will be irritated that he is doing nothing and I will be like "come help!!!" and he will say "what do you want me to do?" It makes me want to scream. The dishes are piled in the sink and the dog has torn up something and there are scraps of it all over the carpet.....Why are some people just programmed to over look the little stuff? I don't expect him to clean toilets or scoop the cat box but really if my hub could just learn to clean up after himself my sanity would reappear!

Hillary- you have just said everything that goes through my head each day I come home to find the husband playing video games (after a long day of hard work carring fridges and stoves blah blah blah) and the cat throw up is hardning on the carpet and the dishes are stinking up the sink even though our dishwasher is right there! yes, he has a different tolerance level for "dirt" and "mess" ...sigh...thanks for that.

Lisa, I think we live in the same house...

Lisa, I think we live in the same house...

These housework arrangements could actually work out quite well for both parties: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11348283/site/newsweek/. (It's called "Sex, Housework and What Men Want.")

I thought your article was charming.Personally,I don't mind at all that my finace does not lift a finger around the house.I was raised with traditional Asian values that clearly define cleaning and cooking as a woman's job and financial responsibility as a man's job.My finace is Caucasion so he loved the "no cleaning perk" at first, then the fact that all the finances were on his shoulder started to disturb his American middle class upbringing & sensibilities.Since,we have had many very frank and honest conversatons about what we will each be expected to do.The great irony of this arrangement is that he always thought he would end up with a high powered career women(a female version of himself)but after being with a woman who is a more "traditional" female,he finds himself growing into a more "traditional" male and being happier because of it.I don't think men were ever inteneded to be home-tenders 1-They are usually not very good at it 2-It takes away part of their solidarity/image of a man as a strong alphamale

Re: the last comment...

So he a) loved not having to clean and b) was disturbed by being the sole breadwinner. Not to mention, he c) wanted to marry "a female version of himself." Way to pick 'em, lady.

I feel sorry for both of you.

Saaaaaasssshhhhaaaaa
uh, what?
wow.
50 years of feminisim flushed down the crapper.
Just learned a great new way to ball bust, tho....'you're not "man enough" to clean up after yourself.'
Please have let that post be a joke.

Sasha- Your comment scares me. I guess there is a chance that a marriage could work with all these contradictions but if I might just say one thing: RED FLAG!

And I'm not sure if I should be saying that to you (in hopes you won't repress yourself) or to your fiance (in hopes you won't belittle him every day for the rest of your marriage).
Yeah. Scared.

I'd venture to guess it's easier to talk about the sexiness of tub scrubbing when a trip to Paris is drawing near, no?

That's devotion right there. My husband does all those hard to do chores also, and I him even more for it!

I find it truly amazing that smart women have such difficulty understanding that there are all kinds of women, men and relationships.In my concise post,I expressed my experiences with cultural differences in relation to cleaning & my personal opinions/experiences.I respect other women's right to believe differently but I think it is small minded to call what is normal & healthy in another culture "Scary" because you don't understand it. America does not have the monopoly or upper hand on feminism. I take pride in what I do & do not feel it demeans me nor do I feel that stating the fact that men are not as great as women are at certain things is belittling any man.I certainly would not take it as an insult if a man pointed out that I could not do things that he was better at.In Asia we have our own brand of feminism that does not rely on coercing our men to do what is a woman’s job for us to feel liberated or valued as women.To us that is demeaning to both partners value & role in society. Cont. . .

Cont. . .We have known our roles and sources of true pride for longer and have developed a system that you might actually find value in & inspiration from if you would understand it in it’s proper context & not judge from the falsely empirical and culturally adolescent standpoint of American neo-feminism.

mmmmmm...somehow I don't find your superiority as hott as Alex scrubbing the tub for Deb. Now THAT is a man.

Sasha, with all due respect - hey, everyone's entitled to their opinions, right? - my site, and more pertinently an entry in which I go to lengths to note the hotness of my husband taking on the heavy cleaning in our apartment, seems an odd choice of platform to voice your opinion. And summon surprise when people react. More so, it would seem that in insisting that 'lifting a finger around the house' is woman's work, and an insult for men to do, you *could* be construed as passing judgment on my husband. Of course, I wouldn't go there; I mean, there's just no point in creating drama like that. Right?

um, out of curiousity, was it just his manly strength that got the stains out or some kind of chemical helper? because i have a stained tub but not quite such a helpful husband, so any tips would be useful.

hehehehe - yay Deb. One of the best ways that my husband shows me that he loves me is by doing the laundry, doing dishes or cooking me dinner just to make my life easier. Marriage is about give and take - he is not my superior nor my subordinate.

for Deb....I know this is unrelated, but are you aware that Starbucks is now serving HAND FROSTED cupcakes? Too bad you have a job you like now :P

That's awesome, Deb. Give and take comes in SO many forms in a marriage. :-)

As for "Sasha", though you're entitled to an opinion like everyone else, I find it hard to be understanding when you are living in a culture other than your own and deem it appropriate to insult that culture because it doesn't match your opinion.
Maybe you should start your own blog and make a voice for your culture there. Just don't, you know, insult Americans and our culture because that's just not cool, especially considering you're marrying one.

Sorry, Deb, don't mean to hijack this all crazy-like. :-)

Hi Deb! So I'm only 16 but I LOVE your blog! Your posts are always so funny and interesting, I really enjoy reading them. :)

You are definately in for the long haul. I too am blessed with a very helpful hubby. I've been living with this wonderful man for 24 yrs. now (19 of them married). He broke his neck 3 years ago, but still managed to help with my mother during her final days....cooking for her & holding her hand when I became overwhelmed. Now that he's back to work, he will still come home when I've had a bad day (or even a good day) & help with dinner, do the dishes (my most hated chore)& even mop the floor....& he still finds me beautiful even with all the gray hair & wrinkles (we really need to get his eyes checked again...hehe). I thank God every day for bringing this wonderful man into my life.

having read just up to the second paragraph made me run and kissed my husband hard. you made me realize how lucky i am for having such a good man. i know that sounds cliche. but hey, a good man is really hard to find.

You have a great man! When my now-fiance was once deployed, I had an Italian man pursuing me. Imagine a gorgeous Italian man telling you the following:
"When I go to the museum and see a magnificent painting, I wonder how the artist could ever imagine something so beautiful. Now that I see you I understand the depth of that beauty."

Nothing happened other than me stating "I am not interested" a million times.

My now-fiance called me that night and his teeth were chattering as he spoke to me. He told me that he had to wait in line for an hour, in a tent, just to call me.

After that day, I had no doubt in my mind that my now-fiance was the one I was going to marry because of what he did, not what he said.

my partner says that scrubbing the bathroom, well actually cleaning anything apart fom the living room is a womens job. And heres me going to marry the s.o.a.b in 8weeks, poor me.

sasha, after reading your article, im not sure if you have a marriage or as you put it an "arrangement" although i may moan about him i know he pulls his weight in more ways than just cleaning

I am Asian and my fiance is American. I have a masters degree and makes more money then him. I do not know how to cook, clean, or any other housework that well because I have spent all my life working on school or career. My fiance loves cooking. He also vacuums all the time, do the dishes, and does all kinds of work around the house. Those are like his hobbies. (Mr. Martha Steward wannabe) I told him that I want to hire a maid once we get married since we are both career persons and won't have time to clean and cook. He got really offended and told me why we need help when we have him. He has expressed to me a few times that he can be a stay at home dad and possibly carry out a homebased business. I don't know if it's red flag or not but I've always imagined myself marrying a male version of me. Someone who is an ambitious, aggressive high power career man. But he always assures me he is very focused on his career as well. I grew up in Asia and have never encounted anything like Sasha said, except maybe in Japan

Behrnice-

You know, you don't HAVE to marry him. If you don't mind cleaning everything else and he makes up for it in other ways, then good for you. But if that bugs you and he isn't willing to change and there is more stuff going on too, it is much easier to get out of an engagement than an unhappy marriage. Much cheaper too.

You know.. when I first read this post I was cracking up. My father was always the "cleaner" "No one can clean it as good as I can." He would wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher every night... made no sense to me as a kid. Now I am a semi-single mom of a three year old. (My husband is deployed) Now I too wash the dishes before the dishwasher. Call me nerotic.... its okay.. but I realize nothing was as cool as daddy doing that so I could do my homework. :) Deb you made me laugh..

all I can say is mr clean magic sponges have saved me from the nightmare that is tub cleaning. I don't know how and I don't care but they work.
MM

i wanted to comment. i never met a good man, but cleaning the tub doesnt mean nothing. let him clean.
lol.

Now you have to show how to turn on the washing machine and diswasher..... You'll love him for that too

Um, what's a washing machine and dishwasher? Heh.

I do all the housecleaning, and take the garbage out occassionally - why? Because my husband doesn't care how messy the house is (sometimes he'll empty the dishwasher..), and because it takes him 2 hours to eat, 2 hours to use the bathroom (after which he has to lie down for an hour since he has hemmoirhoids) and he takes 4 hours to take a once a week shower!!! He does pay the bills but he doesn't have time for anything else. Any advice?? No, this isn't a joke!

You are an immature self-centered woman. Yu buy in to all the stereotyes as long as it serves you. How about if the sexiest picture I had of my wife was cooking me a nice breakfast after I had a long hard weekend with the guys in Vegas. Grow up.

I have this feeling that "Rick" was asked by his reader wife to clean the toilet this weekend - after he returned from Vegas, of course.

Rick - The thing is, despite your name-calling and obviously trolling-for-a-fight response, I would laugh if you posted that picture with your wife, but only if you followed it with the same joking/sarcastic response. (I mean, you don't *really* believe that the hottest thing my new husband does is in the bathroom, right? Ok, phew.)

But, the two are not and will never be equal acts. Say if until about 50 years ago, or present in much of the world, it was the husband's job to be the maid, cook, servant of the wife or else risk divorce/physical violence/god-knows-what. Then maybe a picture of your wife doing the cooking/cleaning - Something rare and funny! A wife pulling her own weight! Without complaint! - could be an equal and opposite reaction to this post.

But it's just not. Sorry you have to hear it here first.

When we moved my daughter into her first apartment the tub was greatly stained. We used bleach and Comet and more bleach (not at the same time). Finally we tried Bartender's Friend which is made with oxalic acid. Worked like a charm. Good luck.

My husband usually doesnt help with the ordinary things around the house but he does deep cleaning. my junk drawer (Yes I have a junk drawer) drives him nuts and cleans things like that often. I like to make sure everything is clean that I can see and he makes sure the deep spots are taken care of.

You are blessed, Deb, and all the women (including me) with husbands that go out of their way to help around the house without the women asking for it.

Makes us love our husbands more.

I know exactly how you feel...I thought it was the hottest, well not the hottest, thing my husband has done for me and honestly he cleans that tub so much better than I ever did...I love him more and more when he helps out

I just have to say I enjoyed reading about the bathtub incident...My boyfriend of four years and I are living together in an apartment and its tub is stained as well. I wear myself out on it trying to make it perfectly white and have tried almost every cleaner imagined (without much success). Maybe I could coax my man into expressing his manlyness on it!

This is my first time reading this & I can tell you I am one of the luckiest wife's around. My husband has always done all the cooking & always like's to help clean & we have been together for 8yrs but, only married just over a year. Believe it or not I am 25 & he is 28 what else could a girl ask for he is the love of my life & I am so happy to have him as my husband.

Tip:
To get stains out of the tub sprinkle baking soda in the tub and then generously sprinkle in lemon juice. It will start to fizzle (don't be afraid). Let it dry. Then pour some more lemon juice directly on the sponge and polish the tub in small circles. Repeat until stains are gone. This also works on sinks and kitchen counter tops! I saw this on the “Queen of Clean,” and it REALLY works!

I too am newly married (6 months) and I find it odd how before we were married my husband kept his apartment neat and clean. On the other hand I've never been much of a housekeeper. You are more likely to find my clothes on the floor than in the hamper. I can stand dishes in the sink and a little dirt until the vibe in the house changes. However, since being married - we have switched roles . Although chores are not equally split 50/50 there are things he does not I will not do - like rake leaves and mow the lawn. My point is --what is equal depends on the people who are living in the house. If Sasha doesn't mind doing the dishes and cleaning - then that's her. However, my word of advice it is now 2006 -- you should know about finances (how much money is going in and how much money is going out). That's the one thing that I think should be 50/50 in every household (knowledge of the finances)and your own rainy day account (he should have one as well).