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it's hard out here for a blogga
Last week, I spent over an hour (also, over two) tickling myself silly with The Smoking Gun's collection of riders from rock, pop, and political stars. I couldn’t avert my eyes. Either the weekend in Paris had tapped out my (limited) high brow attention span for the week, or maybe these imperative demands really are the funniest thing ever, but either way, last week really didn’t get any more amusing than the oh-so-humble need for:
- 12 fluffy towels (Mariah Carey)
- Good soft toilet paper (Eminem)
- Carving station nights on Fridays on the tour and don’t forget the quart of fat-free vanilla creamer (Clay Aitken)
- Uncut vegetables, a sharp knife, and forty cigarettes (Sinead O’Connor)
- General Foods International Coffee in French Vanilla and Swiss Mocha, and yes, Doritos (Britney Spears)
- VERY IMPORTANT: one complete Sony Playstation with miscellaneous [though actually specified] 1999 sport video cartridges, also fluorescent lighting is not acceptable (this was all-caps)(Snoop Dogg)
- A large assortment of flowers, but no carnations (Elton John)
- Forbidding the use of the word “oldies” in conjunction with the band’s name or logo (Beach Boys)
- Fans will show up at 11 AM in every city to decorate his dressing room (Barry Manilow)
- The specification of cube shaped tissue boxes for Metallica
- Oxygen tank with mask (Joan Rivers)
- 2 boxes of Lifestyles or Ruff Riders condoms in the dressing room (50 Cent)
- A preference that catering staffers and pot washers are male (Janet Jackson)
Inspired by levels of prima donna I can only dream of one day attaining, I decided to create my own rider for when I go on those endless blogger speaking engagements. (I hear the invitations are in the mail, any day now, etc.)
- Aveda Hand Relief lotion
- A skinny mirror
- And while we're at it, cellulite cream
- Wireless internet on a laptop with Firefox, please have Pink Is The New Blog on screen when I arrive
- Pilot Precise V Rolling Ball Pens, two black, one red; Extra Fine
- A top-bound notebook – Deb is a southpaw
- Perrier, lime wedges
- Yoga mat
- Unscented, untinted, unmedicated lip balm.
- Flexible Fabric Band-Aids, Neosporin w/Pain Relief, lint brush, screen wipes, air can (these things found in messy desk drawer)
- Chocolate, no less than 62%
- Tulips
- Gourmet Magazine
- New York Times, gutted of its Sports and Auto sections, thank you
But sadly, this was the best I could come up with. No male masseuse? No specification on the size of the ice chips? No all-caps, misspelled demands for “cartoons” of low-pulp orange juice (thank you Public Enemy)? Isn’t there anything that will cause me to claw eyes, hurl breakable objects, flare teeth, and break contracts?
- No artificial sweeteners in my tall skim no-foam latte?
- I’m really fond of La Cucina Olive Oil and Coriander hand soap?
God, I’m going to make a terrible diva.*
* And yes, my husband disagrees.
comments (17)
yeah. given the diva status your demands would SKYROCKET
1 | reader | March 28, 2006 10:41 PM
...and so would mine...
2 | reader | March 28, 2006 10:41 PM
oh i love la cucina soap, though i am partial to the fig and fresh herbs scent. good stuff.
3 | meegan | March 28, 2006 11:43 PM
ha ha, clay aiken is so gay. sheesh.
interesting idea making your own tour rider. i may just steal it for my blog.
4 | beth | March 29, 2006 06:23 AM
Oh my gosh that's the most hilarious title!
The whole things was a great idea, but the title was the best. So cute!
Keep it real, blogga!
:)
5 | deia | March 29, 2006 07:16 AM
I have to agree with Elton John....No Carnations, carnations are for funerals.
I would have to demand Jergens Ultra healing. The bottle with the pump. I like the way it smells and I use it all day. I have 4 bottles around my house and one here at work on my desk. CAN"T LIVE WITHOUT IT. How's that for caps?
6 | Hillary | March 29, 2006 07:45 AM
I am so intrigued by this la cucina soap, it sounds lovely! Where might I find it in New York?
7 | steph | March 29, 2006 11:01 AM
I got it as a gift, but later realized it is sold at Anthropologie. It takes restraint not to eat, or cook with it.
http://www.anthropologie.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=1015&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=cucina
8 | deb | March 29, 2006 11:10 AM
Since were putting totally fluffy, crazy, dream demands then I would like a masseuse and some cute little kittens to cuddle up with. Aveda handcream is a must too.
9 | sally | March 29, 2006 12:05 PM
Isn't it funny how to find a good pen and a good pad of paper can make your day? I too am a southpaw and finding these to meet my slanted writing ways are a trick!
If I were a rockstar and could pick what I wanted in my dressing room, it would go something like this:
The latest copies of US Weekly, the NYTimes and the San Francisco Chronicle.
Fruit salad -- the more types of fruit, the better.
Ice cold bottled coke (Now you've got me thinking about it!)
Bottled water
Sushi with lots of wasabi
Gingersnaps
A massage therapist, preferably HOTT! (hee hee. Sorry, I let Paris Hilton invade my thoughts there for a second)
Martha Stewart Living on TV
A comfy couch
A bit high maintenance, but do-able, I think. I'll have to let my agent know!
10 | Kelli | March 29, 2006 12:21 PM
I never thought about how the binding of a notebook would totally eff over a left handed person. must be why my boyfriend only uses steno and legal pads to write on. hmmm
11 | stephanie | March 29, 2006 03:40 PM
I would need big bottles of water and bananas (they cure everything...well, according to my mom). Geez, I am substantially more low maintenance than I think... that cannot be right. I need to think about this more.
12 | clearlykels | March 29, 2006 04:05 PM
I worked for a band once and my two rider requests were hummus and string cheese.
I suppose it's the little things in life that make me happy!
13 | Al | March 29, 2006 04:28 PM
Unusual items in the riders are sometimes a test, ie if the organizers can't take the time to count out 40 cigarettes how can we be sure they will do everything else they are supposed to. And sometimes the bands do that just to be dicks. Like a big bowl of m&m's without any brown or black ones.
14 | Sweet Chuck | March 29, 2006 04:30 PM
I used to work for a production company when I was in school and we saw some things on riders such as 3 dozen white undershirts, particular kinds of water/cereal/candy/fruit/whatever, certain towels, toilet paper, etc... One band had the temerity to request a quarter-ounce of marijuana for "medicinal" reasons - as a company, we couldn't legally comply, but since the director really liked the band, he supplied a bit (but only if he got to smoke it with them). Boys...
15 | Jessica | March 29, 2006 07:55 PM
My personal favorite, according to a story in the Centre Daily Times:
A poster featuring baseball superstar Ken Griffey, Jr., as well as "a kitty." (Fountains of Wayne)
16 | Mike | March 30, 2006 04:14 PM
I agree with your picks for the strangest items except the bottle of O2 for Joan Rivers. She probably has COPD and needs it. And these days, post 9.11 and all, one can not travel with O2 -- the airlines simply refuse to allow it onboard. So asking that each venue supply it gets around the everlasting hassle of fighting with each and every airline you are booked on.
Capiche?
17 | wil | April 1, 2006 12:37 AM