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nonexistent learning curve, reaffirmed

Finding good lunch in my work neighborhood is hard, even though there are no shortages of "delis" around. (I am, by the way, using the exactly language a woman I once eavesdropped on use in reference to datable men, mostly for my own amusement.) I care not for piled-upon salads with canned ingredients, xanthan gum in my dressings, processed flattened "deli meats," or sandwiches; thus, among all the food in the world, I can't find anything to eat. This is the real downside of cooking your own meals well and often - everything pales.

So, I've been swooning with glee for two weeks that I found a place a whopping block away that sells a variety of simple, original salads and 3"x4" pieces of paper-thin pizza, the absolutely perfect balance of indulgence and fitness. I love it like a new boyfriend; everyone is friendly, they always have The Post or The Onion out to read while you wait, and aw shucks, mister, I've already lost two pounds on their divine salads. I've had the all-red one with radicchio, red grapefruit and red onion; the arugula with goat cheese, lemon zest, and citrus dressing; and today I was all up in the iceberg wedge with roasted garlic yogurt dressing's retro grill when a beige bug caught my eye as it climbed about the iceberg's flaky mountain, likely in search of the second half of it's right wing, half-a-salad away, aligned by a sharp knife with the edge of a piece of lettuce.

Of course, I had already eaten a quarter of the salad.

Steaming mad, I marched the icebug salad back to the restaurant in the rain, practicing my words in my head. Look, I reasoned with no one in particular, it wasn't a roach or a rat turd or some glaring signal of kitchen decay. It's the kind of bug that shows up in food that grows inches from the ground, like iceberg lettuce. A frequent purchaser of organic produce myself, I know that when you lower the ratio of pesticides in your food, you increase the ratio of… natural tendencies. I'm cool with this equation. What I'm not cool with is:

"We are so very very sorry. But, I want to assure you that everything is thoroughly and completely washed before it leaves the kitchen. Everything," babbled the used-to-be-cute guy behind the counter.

Dude, I'm holding a sealed salad container with a LIVE BUG and its HALF WING from your so-called impeccable kitchen. You are obviously lying to me and, really, you ought to know better than to lie to a scorned woman with a quarter of your buggy salad rising in the back of her throat.

I didn't say this, of course, I actually said, "uh sure, okay" and accepted the $15 gift certificate with the "not acceptable for deliveries" crossed out. I'm fingering it right now, kind of hungry. I mean, surely they've rewashed all of their lettuce since I complained, right? Especially the iceberg wedges, right? I should be retching in my wastebasket right and all I want to know is how many days I have to wait to go back so that I don't look desperate.

God, I hate dating.

comments (27)

Don't you eat like 7 bugs every night when you sleep? I wouldn't worry about it...extra protein.

1 | mollysusie | June 7, 2006 06:08 PM

If you are going to persist is subsisting on salads, consider the occasional bug a protein source.

2 | Santadad | June 7, 2006 06:17 PM

Oops! I didn't see MollySusie's comment. Great minds.... and all that stuff.

3 | Santadad | June 7, 2006 06:18 PM

This is a comment that is off-topic....but I just wanted to say that your happiness is not boring. I, too, am smitten with my man, and it is refreshing that I get to read another young person's blog that isn't entirely about getting trashed. Although I do like me some wine.

4 | Randi Brown | June 8, 2006 03:05 AM

I concur! A wee beige bug is very unlikely to harm you. I would say, on the whole, it is worlds safer than luncheon meats and preservative-packed salad dressings!

I've had a similar problem working in the DC 'burbs where I erally have my pick of any fast food chain I could desire. I'm currently infatuated with a newish deli opened by some fabulous Korean women who serve made-to-order fresh veggie omelets, excellent veggie sandwiches, and homemade Korean dishes.

5 | e. | June 8, 2006 10:01 AM

I have no idea what I meant by the world "erally." Please ignore it, while I go have another cup of coffee...

6 | e. | June 8, 2006 10:02 AM

Anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant will tell you that a bug is the least of your problems - at least you can see it.

I have never seen a restaurant kitchen that didn't have a multitude of ooky, questionably hygenic features and practices - it just goes with the territory. So finding a bug in your salad? Child's play.

By the way, here's a tip: The kitchen at Republic in Union Square is notorious amnogst the restaurant community as the foulest and most unsanitary kitchen in all of New York. Eating there is a game of Russian Roulette every time.

7 | mystery girl | June 8, 2006 10:42 AM

A friend of mine found a huge cockroach in her hot and sour soup at a restaurant in Chinatown in San Francisco. She didn't want to send it back because she didn't want them to "feel bad." I made everyone get up and leave. Bleeaach.

8 | Meg | June 8, 2006 11:31 AM

I concur with Mystery Girl. Having worked in various restaurants over the years and seen what goes on in most of their kitchens, an easily pick-out-able, harmless bug is nothing compared to the unseen stuff you're getting on much restaurant food, so I wouldn't sweat it.

9 | Amber | June 8, 2006 11:36 AM

I know the exact Italian restaurant you're referring to as it's not far from my office, and I eat their salads and soups all the time. (I'm a big fan of the chopped salad.) Disappointing to hear about the bug! :(

10 | JJ | June 8, 2006 12:04 PM

Deb, i too found the resturant of my dreams, and it betrayed me just the same. I can't eat there anymore, i honestly tried and with every bite i sat there and worried about what i'd find. I mean who needs that added stress when you're eating?

11 | Nantucket Girl | June 8, 2006 12:32 PM

I once found an earring in my takeout pasta from an otherwise cute little bistro in Baltimore...with my teeth. That's right, I came across the silver stud by biting into it. I was actually asked to bring the piece of pesto-covered jewelry back (did it belong to a waitress?) to the restaurant, at which point they gave me a $25 gift certificate, and then I finagled another $25 cash. I waited a solid month before going back. If you choose to wait that amount of time, they might recognize you but not quite be able to put together your face with the beige bug situation.

12 | lbk | June 8, 2006 02:13 PM

This changed my life and my waistline. Plus they are so incedibly delicious and easy to reheat. Completely fresh and all that:

http://www.freshdirect.com/category.jsp?catId=hmr_fresh&trk=dpage

Enjoy!

13 | jocelyn | June 8, 2006 02:19 PM

Thats awful...yuck....you know its funny I did catering a couple of years back for Passover and some guy found a LIVE grasshopper in his salad. I laughed because the rabbi had to "inspect" each piece of lettuce, before it was served, under a light. Maybe he thought it was a string bean! lol.

14 | Debi | June 8, 2006 04:05 PM

You're a wimp. It's just a bug. Seriously.

15 | Daniel | June 8, 2006 05:39 PM

Not to become my hippy father and all, but I'd say finding a bug in lettuce would indicate that it's very fresh. You know the odds of a bug making it alive days after being picked with the lettuce is pretty slim.

Dude I'm grasping but I'm still going with good=bug=fresh.

16 | Lucy | June 8, 2006 06:05 PM

Daniel, I'm putting a bug in your take-out Thai tonight. Pbbblt.

Joc, do they put the calories on those? Yes, I need to know these things.

17 | deb | June 8, 2006 06:30 PM

When is California going to get Fresh Direct?? No fair.

18 | Meg | June 8, 2006 06:42 PM

See, now Deb we can relate! Oh, the dating woes I can share. (Not like you didn't go through your share too before meeting Alex. I know. I'm just saying.) Also, LOVE how you wrote, "Used to be cute boy behind the counter." I now know that the quirks I find cute in men at the beginning will be the biggest annoyances toward the end. Dimples? Aw, shucks. By the end they are gloating marks of evil on the sides of his cheeks. Etc.

19 | Kelli | June 8, 2006 08:08 PM

Was it a BIG BUG or tiny leetle eensy teensy bug? That would make all the difference to me. I'm ok with finding a tiny little aphid like, feather weight insect, but a whoppping great beetle or roach, not so much.

20 | Sally | June 9, 2006 10:39 AM

of course they do. right on their website:
http://www.freshdirect.com/product.jsp?productId=var_frshdin_tofutryki&catId=hmr_fresh_ss&product_view=nutrition

21 | jocelyn | June 9, 2006 12:01 PM

I like Lucy a few comments up; I'm going to try to remember that one. :) That Radiccio grapefruit sounds delish!!!

22 | PLD | June 9, 2006 12:51 PM

Desptite the bug, I think I still want the name of the place. I work in the same neighborhood and I'd love a new suggestion. Man, desperation for good lunch food can do wonders :-)

23 | liz | June 10, 2006 06:19 PM

this is a bit off topic, but you mentioned that you met your husband on the blog. i'm currently i-dating and finding the whole process sort of maddeningly awkward! do you have advice on making internet dating less awkward?

24 | sejal | June 10, 2006 07:08 PM

if you find the problem persisting, or even just after this one instance, complain the the NYC Dept. of Health and Mental Hygiene--a visit from the officials should send the management the right message.

25 | hotpro | June 11, 2006 07:10 PM

Smitten, since it sounds like you work not far from me. Have you tried Penelope's on 30th and Lexington? It's a cute cafe with several salad options.

26 | JJ | June 12, 2006 02:43 PM

Confession: I went back there for lunch today. They're so nice! I didn't use my g.c. because I didn't want to remind them I was the one who gave them the stink eye last Wednesday. The spinach/blue cheese/apple/walnut/basamic salad was excellent. I didn't look for bugs because I've now realized, I just don't want to know.

27 | deb | June 13, 2006 10:31 PM

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