I know you know: if only it were that easy. I miss you, Deb; you come around my computer so seldom anymore. However, I'm pretty damn sure I wouldn't be sitting around writing blog entries (or reading them, in my case) if I was in the cradle of newlywed bliss.

I know I went AWOL, for a whole week nonetheless! But nothing as fun as newlywed bliss, I'm just swamped at my day job. Nothing but fun stuff ahead, though, promise.

Also, to acknowlege your iVillage sister This Fish, a guy who wigs out if you don't call 'exactly' when you say you'll call is not worth your time. And, he might be a little crazy.

I'm taking notes Deb.

good ones :)

I definitely agree with the last hint - it helped my relationship...we learned we could laugh together!

Those are great general guidelines. My mother broke it down to something even more basic--Kind, dependable, and able to lift heavy objects. Those are the requirements she drilled into me from a young age. I would venture to add also, "able to get things from high shelves," but kind and dependable really hit the top of the list.

And why is it that I have yet to employ you as my personal matchmaker? Im a fool. You're advice is dead on and utterly brililant. Of course, you did snag perhaps the last real winner of a guy out there.

You're so damn smart.

Great advice! I'd like to add one more, though. He could be all of those wonderful things and up and decide he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Anymore. After 2.5 years. Its sucks, but that's when you turn and run. Good luck to your friend :)

Oh so true. It is funny how now, if I am not sure they are a nice guy down to every single bone in their body they are not worth it. I want the guy that says he is sorry.

Love it. I'll keep these things in mind.

the point about the guy who calls his ex a bitch or a slut is right on. serious.

Thank you so much for this list. It helps to have those things which I know are real reinforced.

I hope you keep posting things like this and if anyone complains, IGNORE THEM because you are helping me!

Thanks,
Jenn

I think you are totally right..only one thing makes me nervous..my bf calls his x.."that bitch" but what if she really is? I know her and I agree with him, does it count if he doesn't refer to the other ones like that?

Heathers Interlude!
Q: God, Heather, why are you such a mega-bitch?
A: Because I CAN be.

I could say that if he were more of a polite, gentleman-y type, he'd still refrain from calling her the obvious, but who are we kidding if she totally is?

I will say, however, that by the time someone calls their ex such a term, it sounds like she won, because on some level, she's still getting under his skin and I'd be on the lookout for unresolved issues. I'll shut up now. (Ducks flying objects.)

Thank you, Deb, for reinforcing the advice I give my 'dating' friends. Kind is underrated, willing to clean is underrated. Btw I graded my husband on your checklist and he got a perfect score except on the toilet seat thing--still working on that.

I have a question rather than a comment. What about the guy who is cheeringly willing to push said vacuum around, makes the bed everyday with nary complaint all while using complete sentences with proper punctuation BUT has the virgin/whore complex?

I actually think toilet seats are forgivable. I just don't think employing the "but it's really not fa-air because we share the bathroom 50-50," blah blah is.

As for the guy with the V/W complex, I have but one (quite cold but learned from experience) question:

Q: Are you sleeping with him?
If N: Guess which one you are?!
If Y: Guess which one you are?!

Beneath even the loveliest furniture-polishing exterior, such a lad is only capable of thinking of you as one.

Love your honesty. Does the same question/theory apply if you are engaged with nuptials a mere six months away?

The JDate 5'9"?! Hahahaha!!!! I love it.

I hesitate to ask as it shows just how out of the loop I have been for .... a while! Question: what is JDate5'9"?

..and everyone should have a friend like you Deb. I listened to such a friend, and met and married a fabulous Nice Guy. He even puts the toilet seat down.

Yeah... I feel like a total tool, because the guy I was infatuated with all of this year started to whisper sweet nothings, said he wanted something more refined than just the physical, treated with me with respect, but did not cease banging his sex buddy or getting drunk and walking after his ex to have hours-long conversations with her.

I feel like such an idiot. Especially since he wants to date me, I think.

My personal fave "Be greedy. Do not offer to share someone unless you are okay being shared. He either is or he is not involved with someone else. There are no middle grounds and even a hint of a pause when queried is a sign that you may want to consider running, and running far."

I'm barely willing to share dessert - let alone my man! For those who justify - if he's leaving HER for YOU, he'll leave YOU for the next HER, and very likely, he's not even able to pay his own rent.

LMB815 - heh, you dated that gem as well, eh? :)

I am biased, admittedly, but I want you to know, Smitten, that you weren't wrong about the guy. If I may say a few things in defense of my friend...

He's a decent type, who calls his mom on her birthday, who does the dishes without being asked, who folds clothes regardless of whether they are his or hers, who always offers to carry things, and who puts the toilet seat down without feeling that there is injustice in the world.

He is someone who, in anticipation of your friend's upcoming visit (now cancelled!), stocked his refrigerator with the grapefruit soda she likes so much; called her best-loved local restaurant, a place almost as difficult to get into as the French Laundry, obsessively, until he succeeded in reserving a table; and ordered a carton, shipped from Europe, of her favorite cigarettes, after fruitlessly searching a great many tobacco shops for this elusive brand that she misses from her days abroad.

Unfortunately, he is also someone who didn't belch in an early-on date. He held back his belches for far too long, until, unable to stifle them anymore, they erupted in the form of a blundering e-mail, which, it seems, has been awarded a surprisingly lenient grade of C-minus. Perhaps that will give him a slight bit of hope. I wish it would, because this pitiable, grief-stricken guy now spends his days wondering when your friend (she really is the love of his life, you know) will ever forgive him.

That's all I can say on his behalf. It might be nice if we gave our friends a little time to themselves now, to work things out in the offline world. In the meantime, would you consider a post or two about cooking? It's my favorite topic. And readers, let me tell you that yes, these really were THAT GOOD. Or so my friend says.

"These" being found at:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smitten/174766980/

that is. ;-)

Are you sure women are looking for a nice guy? I consider myself the stereotypical nice guy...opens doors for you, lifts heavy things, will cook, do laundry, AND put the seat down, but yet I find that the guy who doesn't give a shit about any of this is usually the one getting dates. Or...maybe it's just me. :)

So, I am a V who is in my early 20's. I just recently started dating this guy, I don't want to tell him that I am a V. My reasoning is that most guys wont date me because of it, or date me to get it.
I'm scared that he will run quickly if he finds out, meaning he most likely isn't a good guy to begin with.I'm scared to find out that he is, and I was wrong again about another guy who I thought was worth while.
My friend says because I don't want to tell him I'm ashamed of it, and I shouldn't be. In some ways I am, but I'm tired of it being such a big deal. I know it is a big deal to some as well as me. I just wish it wasn't.
I also haven't been ready to deal with it and now I feel as if I am. So if it ends up gettting to that point I don't want him to feel as if he has to love me and be obligated to stay with me if things don't work out. Does my logic even make sense??
Sooo confused on what to do!! Could someone help me out??? PLEASE!!

Great advice! You really hit a whole line of nails right on their heads! It's only recently (I'd say since I entere(d my 30s) that I really realized my affection for the nice guy. I never really had a bad boy thing, but... you know.)

My current (permanent, fingers crossed) is my first REALLY NICE guy. The benefits are endless. And one of the first things that captured my heart was the *perfect* first email he sent me. I'm glad you included that on your list. (Also glad I'm not the only one so hung up on that stuff to care!)

Howard,

Here's a girl's perspective, who's had a lot of frustrated "nice guys" as friends, and ample time to examine exactly what it is about SOME nice guys that turns her off...

Some "nice guys" may be genuinely kind, but they're also (subconsciously?) aware that kindness and thoughtfulness are commodities that they can cash in on.

It's not that they're NICE that's the problem, it's that they're afraid to lose control. If they do break outside their nice-guy shell and do something out of character, they are wracked with guilt and spend time trying to figure out why they did what they did and reconcile it, instead of accepting that they have sides to them that are jerklike (everyone does!) and moving on.

So many nice guys around me seem to be nice only because they're afraid of their dark sides, or afraid of what other people will think of them. And so, they don't really know what kind of person they are at their worst, because they've never tested themselves that way.

Who knows, though?

sound advice!
may i add tat those being pushy probably need to be re-considered as well..
my 2.5yr r'ship is getting so pressurizing to me ... he goes, "marry now? live wif me now? sex wif me now? even if u r not ready now, let's just do it, u'll love it for sure!"

Hi!
I am in my early 20's and in college. I am friends with this guy, who refuses to be just friends with me. He walks me to class, and calls me on the phone. One sunday afternoon he wanted to take our relationship further, and we started making out. However, he started taking off his clothes. Long story short, he was naked, and I walked out with all of my clothes on. He didn't call me for 3 weeks. When he did we just acted like everything was normal. My question is how do i tell him i am interested in a relationship with him, and not just hooking up?

What sound advice and if I may add my two cents: beware the man who doesn't introduce you to his friends within a month of meeting you. or at least his roommate. He shouldn't be ashamed of you and you shouldn't have to feel like you don't fit into his social circle.
I met the current boy's friends about 2 weeks after we met, enough after meeting that we both knew that we actually liked each other, but not so far along that it felt like something was being hidden.

And he does dishes.

kitten: there's a lot to be said for just being blunt about what you feel needs to be said. really. People like honesty and directness, especially men.

What if he is ashamed of his friends?

To 20s V...

I'm also a virgin in my early 20s, 23 to be exact. I'm not ashamed of it, but I'm definitely not proud of it either. I'm not "saving myself" for marriage; I don't believe in that crap. To note, I dated my ex last year for 5 months, we never had sex, and she DID turn out to be a total bitch.

(details here: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=3186245&blogID=47669423)

Any one of my female friends can and would tell you that I'm the nice guy. I don't see this nice guy thing working out for me though. I know the problem is that I'm not aggressive enough, and I think I'll blame that to my father not being around in my childhood, being an only child, and an over-protective mother. Don't get me wrong, I'm not timid either; I just hold back too much sometimes.

Anna hit it right on the head with the run-down on nice guys. I've especially noticed this with myself since I've asked out a friend of mine in May whom I'm still working on.

Aggressive and persistent guys finish first.