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mountains, molehills
I, I have this thing about sneezing, or rather, a thing about people who don't do it correctly. They're usually women, and it usually sounds like this: "choo," as if they were reading the onomatopoeia of the sound of a sneeze off a page, and not actually expressing "a convulsive expulsion of air from the nose and mouth, in speeds of up to 100-200 mph." (Mm, tasty, right?) It drives me up the freaking wall. It's as if they have determined actual, natural sneezes to be not ladylike or dainty, thus they feign to sneeze in a manner that assures them that they are still pretty and therefore redeemable creatures.
Every single time I overhear such a "choo," of all things, Langston Hughes — along with unmitigated rage — pops into my head, because what does happen to that sneeze deferred? Does it dry up, crust over, or sag like a heavy load, or does it explode?
My coworkers would argue the latter. Because you see, and I feel terrible calling out this otherwise pleasant individual, there's a girl who has moved into the next row of cubicles with a particularly fingernails-on-the-chalkboard way of expressing her sternutations: "chew. chew. chew-chew. chew. chew. chew." My indignant reactions to these are so well documented that whenever she sneezes, IMs will appear in my screen that implore, "Deb, don't freak out," and "Stay calm, Deb." I have gone from suspected to notoriously crazy in record time. She sneezed now over fifteen minutes ago and I'm not sure the world will right itself again until someone evens up the bad sneezing karma in this place by releasing a proper one.
… Which is pretty much the best example I can transcribe for you this afternoon of just how much I am ready for vacation to start. I'll be back in a week with pictures and more pictures, new foods, exciting news (I repeat: NOT BABIES), paper anniversaries and and lands where constipated sneezes won't draw my ire. It's going to be fantastic.
comments (24)
If it helps, just as I was reading your entry, someone in my office let out a nice big sneeze.
1 | Luba | August 11, 2006 05:27 PM
I hate sneezes, period. Such a gross sound.
2 | M | August 11, 2006 05:45 PM
deb, where are you going on vaca? have you told us and I missed the info??
3 | hillary | August 11, 2006 11:59 PM
You'd love my sneezes (or maybe not). They are SO loud. A few years back, my little cousin said to me "Are you going to sneeze like that when you are married?"
Have a good time on your vacation. I'm very jealous!
4 | Tammi | August 12, 2006 08:36 AM
Happy Vaca & Paper Anniversary!
5 | Jess | August 13, 2006 12:08 AM
I used to live with this girl who had the most ridiculous sounding sneezes I have ever heard. It was like she spoke the noise a sneeze is supposed to make..
6 | Megan | August 13, 2006 07:19 AM
The silent sneezers; the girls/women who's only sign of sneezing is the sudden face implosion/rapid head nod/fist to the nose. But no sound (except, somewhere, Deb screaming- Sneeze, Damnit!)
7 | Karen. | August 13, 2006 05:44 PM
otherwise pleasant?
have a great vacay. i'll miss ya!
8 | jenni | August 14, 2006 08:00 AM
Really, why bother with the effort of a "chew" it is so not worth it. Enjoy your vacay!!! Anniversaries are great reasons to travel and celebrate!
9 | clearlykels | August 14, 2006 11:52 AM
Sneeze away! Does this mean you're asking for a box of tissues for your paper anniversary gift?
10 | Neil | August 14, 2006 02:43 PM
Oooh, happy anniversary! I hope you have a great trip.
11 | Kelli | August 14, 2006 04:38 PM
I'm a quiet sneezer.
The reason?
I'm thoroughly grossed out by people, not sneezing loudly, but who have no concept of germs and hygiene and are happy to sneeze and cough and splutter all over the damn place when they're sick. And if I don't repress that messy sneeze I'll be one of those people scaring small children with the "AAAHHHH!" part of the sneeze spreading my germs at a 100-200 mph.
12 | Lucy | August 15, 2006 12:09 AM
You would love my friend. You can here her sneeze about 5 blocks away!! Her mother tells her its not very ladylike ;o)
Enjoy your vacation
13 | Alison C | August 15, 2006 04:47 AM
I wish I could sneeze all dainty style. When I let one loose I could knock a wall down. But then again, I have a feeling that the dainty sneezers don't get the full body effect.
14 | jessica fantastica | August 18, 2006 03:27 AM
As a recovered quiet sneezer I must say that it is ultimitly alot less embarrassing to let out a whopping *AHHHCHHOOO* rather than a whopping *rraawwwpppp* and noxious odor whilst suppressing a sneeze, as I had the opportunity to do during my bestfriends wedding during the bestmans speech *totally mortified*
15 | do I really want to leave taht here? | August 18, 2006 01:53 PM
I appreciate running across a commentary from a person who can express their thoughts in such a coherent manner.
Have a good vacation!
16 | Velvet Bubbles | August 18, 2006 07:54 PM
I always fight my sneezes so much that they end up sounding not like sneezes at all! but more like coughs. No one knows whether or not to say "bless you," which mostly just makes me laugh.
Happy! vacation to you.
17 | kerrianne | August 19, 2006 11:11 AM
please, some of us can't help the way we sneeze anymore than someone who has a particularly distinctive laugh. This is what gets on your nerves? God help the people you work with.
18 | quiet sneezer | August 20, 2006 03:50 PM
When my husband sneezes, he manages to work in the words `Echuca-Moama' (which is a town about 1.5 hours away but the beginning of Echuca sounds a bit like Aaa-Choo so I guess thats the `logic' behind it) into any given sneeze..i've gotten very good at pretending I have no idea who he is when he does this! He also claims to need to sneeze anytime we leave a shopping mall...which I used to think he was faking but I once worked with a guy who would sneeze in bright sunshine so maybe it had something to do with that?? All I can say is how bizarre :)
19 | Tan | August 22, 2006 07:16 AM
Wow. You don't need a vacation. You need a therapist, and how about a little tolerance?
20 | Cat | August 24, 2006 10:40 AM
Haha my sneezes cause the geologists nearby to record bizarre seizmic behaviour... I really let myself go
21 | bk | August 24, 2006 11:36 AM
I am so jealous of all you sneezers out there! I had chest surgery and I hold back all sneezes because of the pain! I haven't sneezed since before June 15! Is there a world record?
22 | n | August 24, 2006 07:25 PM
Long-time lurker moved to comment -- I am a quiet (and always multiple) sneezer, and (I'm told) sneezed my distinctive, dainty, cat-like sneeze even as a tiny infant. In my case, at least, no pressure to be lady-like is at issue. Please consider that some of the sneezers you disdain may have been born that way!
23 | e | August 24, 2006 11:28 PM
my boyfriend is the same way...he cannot stand sneezing. He says it pisses him off. And when I sneeze, I get laughed at and people are either like "you are the cutest little thing" or "you sneeze like a mouse!" *shrugs* to each his own I guess
24 | big d | August 26, 2006 01:17 AM